


In Sickness and In Health

by Milady29



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Friendship, M/M, Marriage, Romance, Sickness, Whump, sevasey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2019-07-11 12:05:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 34,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15971975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milady29/pseuds/Milady29
Summary: Finally, as I finished my other story, I can continue this one! Thank you so much for coming back for the second chapter. I really hope you enjoy this one. It is my first time writing Sevasey in a romantic setting but I am really enjoying it. I hope you do as well! Thanks again for reading and please let me know what you think!





	1. The Honeymoon

''Good morning.'' Matt smiled as he got up, his arm snaked around his lover. Kissing on top of the dark hair, he looked up then, at the sun just rising above the ocean.

They had only come out with their relationship a few months ago at the firehouse. Everybody had reacted well, although it had gotten some getting used to from a few people. Besides that, they were still in the process of either of them being moved to another firehouse. Something they were not happy about, but they did not want to get in trouble with the CFD.

But their urge and wish to get married, had been stronger than waiting it out. So instead they had had a quick wedding at the courthouse, followed by their honeymoon. When they got back to Chicago, they would hold a big party at Molly's to celebrate, but for now it was their time, just the two of them.

He had never expected this to happen, but everything had just clicked, and he was so glad to be happy with his new husband.

''Good morning, husband.'' Kelly Severide woke up, kissing him, rolling over and smiling at his new husband.

''I can used to that title.'' Matt Casey smiled back at him. Kissing again, Severide's hands trailed over his chest.

''Sev, I need to take a piss.'' Matt laughed as his husband kissed him in his neck.

''Jee mr. Romantic.'' Severide laughed as he got off Casey.

''I will be back in a minute.'' Matt promised.

Getting up from the bed, he picked up his underwear that had been tossed out of bed yesterday and walked to the bathroom.

''You don't need your underwear for taking a piss!'' Kelly teased him from the bed. Matt laughed, taking a second to look in the mirror. Severide kept laughing that he was mostly just getting red the past few days but he noticed in the mirror he was starting to tan a bit.

Getting the piss out of the way, he walked back to the bedroom.

''That took way too long for my liking.'' Severide pulled Matt against him, his hands caressing over his back.

''Was admiring my tan.''

''You look like a milk bottle – a very sexy milk bottle.'' Kelly laughed.

''While you were sleeping poolside yesterday, I checked out some hiking trails in the area.'' Matt told him as he pulled away from your arms.

''Sounds like a plan.'' Kelly smiled, caressing the side of his face. The last few days had been spend at the poolside and the beach but now they both wanted to get active today. Getting changed, they got a cab towards the start of the hiking trail. Kelly was walking in front, Matt following him. Even though he was in great shape, it was a steep climb. Kelly was a lot quicker than him and after a while he took Matt's hand, helping him with the climb. About two hours later, they made their way to the top of the hill.

Sitting down on a large rock there on top of the hill, they looked down into the valley and at the ocean in the back.

''See, told you it would be worth the flight.''

''I never doubted that.''

''You did.'' Kelly laughed a bit as he thought back on Matt's hesitance to fly somewhere for their honeymoon.

''It was new for me- everything about this is new for me.'' Matt admitted. He had never thought he would marry his best friend, neither that he would travel somewhere for a honeymoon. He had always been a simple man enjoying being around the city he adored so much – he had never even left the state before.

But he trusted Kelly, and he was glad Kelly was trying to pull him out of his comfort zone.

''You mind that? I don't want to make you unhappy.''

''Kelly, I am the happiest with you.'' He assured him.

''I am glad, you make me so happy too.'' Kelly smiled as they looked at the view.

''The view is really great.'' Matt smiled.

Kelly was really glad to see his husband so happy. The last few months had not been easy for him. It had taken them both some time to come to terms in the shift in their relationship from friendship to this, but before that the divorce had really depressed Matt. It had been hard to see him like that, and he was glad that he looked a lot happier then.

''Do you have some more water?'' Matt asked he held up his empty bottle.

''Sure babe, here.'' Kelly said as he handed him his. ''Always here to save your life.'' He mocked his husband a bit.

''You did that on many occasions.'' Matt mumbled before taking a swig of water.

''Matt-''

''It is fine.'' Matt smiled, handing the bottle back. ''Probably better head back down soon.''

''Sounds like a plan.''

Getting back from their hike, Severide was the first to shower, Matt taking a moment of peace on the balcony. Looking out at the beach, he had never expected his life would lead him to be here. Not only with his best friend, but also his husband now.

''What are you thinking about babe?'' Kelly asked as he was suddenly behind Matt, wrapping his arms around him and kissing him on his head.

''Just how happy I am with you, here.'' Matt smiled. Sharing another kiss, Matt got in the shower then. Getting showered, he start to cough.

His nose had been a bit stuff because of the A/C that they had on at night and he couched now. Just his luck, they were on their honeymoon and he had a cold because of the A/C. Wanting to wipe his hand under the water, he suddenly noticed the blood on his hand. Worried he wiped his hand over his chin, but there was no more blood to be seen.

Scared he washed his hands another time. It was probably nothing right? Trying to ease his worries, he listened as the bathroom door opened.

''I am not ready yet.'' He told Kelly a bit startled.

''I just have to do my hair.'' Severide said, surprised by Matt's expression.

''Sorry, I just thought you wanted to head to dinner, thought I had dozed off in the shower for a minute.'' Matt excused himself and Kelly nodded. He thought about telling his new husband about the blood on his hand for a second, but he did not want to worry him. It had probably been nothing. If it happened again, he could always tell him after all.

Getting ready for dinner as well, he tried to forget about the blood as he and Kelly made their way to the restaurant in the hotel. Sitting down outside with the view of the beach, they got their menus.

''Gonna have steak for the fourth night in a row?''

''I just – I am not as adventurous when it comes to food as you, you know that.'' Matt said and Kelly was a bit worried as usually he took his teasing not as serious.

''I know, you need to pick what you like Matt.'' Kelly said.

''Sorry.'' Matt sighed.

''What is wrong with you?'' Kelly asked concerned.

For a second, Matt thought of telling his husband about the blood that he had found on his hand, but instead he shook his head.

''Sorry, just sad the honeymoon is almost over.'' Matt sighed.

''I can make Mexican food once a week to remember you of our time here.'' Kelly tried to cheer him up.

''No, way too spicy.'' Matt shook his head. They ordered a bottle of a wine and Casey chose a steak for the fourth night in a row. Having a nice night, chatting, Matt finally forgot about the blood that had come up coughing – and for all he knew it was just nothing.

Going out in the evening towards the beach, they walked bay the water before returning to the room and going to sleep. Hand in hand, they walked by the waterline and looked as the moon was lighting their way.

''It was a great day.''

''It was.'' Matt admitted. Walking back to the room, neither of them wanted to go to sleep yet. They had bought a bottle of champagne on the way back form the hike this afternoon and took it from the fridge. Matt looked as Kelly was opening it. Looking at Kelly, he was not sure he wanted to keep the blood a secret for his husband any longer.

''Kel?'' He said, but doubt washing over him then. It had been such a great day and evening, and he didn't want to ruin it now.

''Yeah?'' Kelly looked up worried.

''Thank you for being so patient with me.'' Matt blurted out then, trying to think of a way he could ignore the problem at hand.

''What do you mean?'' Kelly

''Nevermind.''

Sitting down beside Matt and handing him a glass of champagne, he smiled at his husband.

''Matt, I love you so much, and there is nothing you need to be worried about.''

''Okay.''

''I hope you feel the same.''

''I am, I am the happiest I have been in years.'' Matt smiled. Looking at Kelly's blue eyes, everything seemed so okay and he forgot about what had happened before.

''I am really glad – I really hated to see you so down those months ago.''

Not sure what to say, Matt stared at his glass.

''I am really happy with you two Matt. I think neither of us had expected this, but it feels so right.'' Kelly told him. Smiling they locked hands, Kelly kissing him on top of his. Even though Matt was still worried, he let go of it for once, suddenly all seemed so right in the world.


	2. The rings

Making their way to the airport, he was a bit nervous. Their flight in had been his first flight in his life. They had even needed to get a passport for him since he had never left the country before. It had been exciting and he had been a bit nervous, but Kelly had been so patient with him through all of it. Checking in their suitcases, they made their way through security. Grabbing a drink, looking at the planes landing and departing, Kelly was grateful as well Matt had gone out of his comfort zone for their honeymoon.

''You know, our rings are waiting for us in Chicago.'' Kelly said as he laid his hand on Matt's.

''I know, I can't wait to wear it.'' Matt smiled. Looking aside, Matt looked so handsome with the sunlight hitting him in the face as he was looking at the planes. It made his blue eyes sparkle and Kelly felt so happy he could call him his husband.

''What?''

''Just looking at you, you look great. You even tanned a bit.'' Kelly said lovingly as he caressed though Matt's hair. Kissing Kelly on his cheek, he looked back at the planes. About an hour later, they boarded the plane. Matt wanted to walk to economy, but Kelly pulled his arm.

''Didn't you look at your ticket?''

''What?'' Matt asked surprised.

''I bought is an upgrade to business class.'' Kelly smiled.

''Kel-'' Matt sighed but with a smile. It was pleasant surprise. Kelly let Matt sit down by the window and sat down in the large seat beside him.

Kelly took his hand as he saw that Matt was a bit nervous. It had only been his first time flying when they got here, and he had been scared. Even though he looked less scared now, he still seemed nervous.

''You okay.''

''I am just a bit nervous.'' He said as Kelly was still holding his hand as they took off. As soon as the plane leveled, Matt calmed down and enjoyed the sights of the clouds. Smiling, they ordered some drinks.

''Are you glad to go back to Chicago?''

''Sorta, it was a nice holiday and I had the time of my live but – Chicago is home.''

''You are such a homebody to Chicago.'' Kelly said with a smile a she caressed his hand, even though he had traveled around a lot, Matt was quite the opposite, very content with living in Chicago.

''I just feel at home and love Chicago. I never had a reason to leave honestly.''

''Had you left the state before – this?'' Kelly asked curious.

''Me and Hallie went to Montana once to go camping.''

''Oh wow, Montana, living the high life.'' Kelly mocked him a bit, smiling at his husband then. Even though he was mocking him, he thought it was brave of Matt to try new things.

''How about next year you get to choose where we go on holiday. Wherever you want, we can stay in Illinois, or go Montana, or anything you want.'' Kelly offered as he felt a bit bad about dragging Matt out to Mexico, even though he didn't seem to mind now.

''If you keep working I might want to go to Hawaii, looked at you in your shorts.'' Matt mocked him back now and they laughed.

''If you want to go to Hawaii we can go to Hawaii. Matt, I know this all is a big step for you and I really appreciate it.''

Surprised they looked up as the flight attended came to bring them some champagne.

''Congratulations on your marriage from the crew.''

''Thank you.'' Matt said surprised, looking as she walked away.

''You didn't-''

''I told them when I called for the upgrade. I just – I just wanted you to have a good memory of your first flights.''

''Thanks, it is really nice of you.'' Matt smiled. After a while, both of them were dozing off, still holding hands. Even Matt was less nervous now. He wanted to enjoy it and he did feel a lot calmer, especially now that Kelly was holding his hand and trying to calm him down.

He fell asleep soon as well, and even though Kelly had woken up, he looked how Matt was peacefully asleep, only when they almost landed he woke Matt up.

''Babe, we are flying over Chicago, almost landing – you should look out of the window.'' Kelly told him and matt smiled appreciative, looking at the skyline and clearly seeing the Willis tower. He tried to spot the firehouse but they were up too high.

His chest was hurting a bit, but he blamed it on the dry air of the plane. They got leave the flight first and soon they were on the way to the car. Kelly offered to drop him off at home as he went to go pick up the rings. Matt agreed, wanting the moment they would really exchange their rings being a special moment just for the two of them.

Arriving at their house, he was glad to be home. Kelly dropped him and the luggage off and drove on to pick up the rings so they could wear them tomorrow when returning to work. Matt threw all their laundry in the washer and unpacking most of the other stuff. He felt a lot better now after the last nice few days in Mexico and the worries about the blood that he had coughed up.

He started putting some stuff away, looking around the small townhouse they had moved into a few months ago. Before they had lived in Kelly's apartment, but since Matt enjoyed a more traditional house and backyard for his side projects, they had started renting this townhouse together. Matt still hoped one day it would be filled with children as well.

Even though Kelly had wanted to stay in an apartment at first, he soon was very content and happy with the backyard, as Matt had built him a shed to keep his motorbike in. When he had put all the laundry away, he sat down texting his sister and niece about their holiday, waiting for Kelly to return home. He was curious about the rings that Kelly had picked out, and every minute he seemed to get more curious and nervous about the rings.

Kelly came back a small while later and took the rings out of his pocket.

''Got them.''

Matt was so excited to see it, as he had not seen them yet. Kelly had picked them out, so it was still a surprise for him. Stretching out his hand, Kelly placed the ring around his ring finger and kissed him on his forehead.

''I love it!'' Matt said as he looked at the white gold ring. It was simple, but he was excited to wear it. Even though Kelly was a lot more open about their relationship – now marriage – he was proud to call Kelly his husband, and he was proud to wear the ring to prove it. Taking the other ring from Kelly, he moved it around is husband's finger, they shared another kiss.

''I really love it!'' Matt sighed, so happy. Sharing another kiss, Kelly carried the groceries inside and matt wanted to help.

''Sit down, I am making us dinner.''

''Don't need a hand?''

''No, you look a bit tired, probably form the flight, sit down.'' Kelly kissed him on his cheek and he looked as Matt sat down on the couch. He looked back as Kelly was prepping dinner, Steak with baby potatoes from the oven, Matt's favorite. But even when he got the plate in front of him, he barely managed to eat a small part of it.

''You okay?''

''Yeah, fine.'' Matt smiled, poking around with the food. He really loved the effort that Kelly had put in, but he really felt oversaturated after the holiday, they had been eating so much.

''You don't like it.''

''Kel, It's my fave! I am just full after the long holiday.'' Matt chuckled. ''How about we pack some up to take for lunch tomorrow to the firehouse. I don't think I can stand any of Cruz's food after all the spices this week – my stomach has been a bit upset.''

''Sounds like a plan.'' Kelly took his plate, wrapping up the food for the both of them for lunch, or as a snack if it was a busy shift. Matt crawled under his favorite blanket on the couch, getting a bit cold, especially since they had still been in Mexico this morning. Kelly joined him, handing him a bottle of beer.

''Thanks.''

''Do you want to tell the firehouse tomorrow?'' Kelly asked then, something that had been on his mind and he felt that they should discuss this before going on shift tomorrow.

As Matt was silent, Kelly was wondering what was going through his head.

''Matt, you don't have to feel forced. If you are worried about your career, we keep it a secret.''

Matt was silent for a second, taking a sip from his beer. It was not that he was worried about telling people about their marriage. He was proud of it and that was more important than anything, but he had never really shared a lot of personal stuff with his crew at the firehouse outside of molly's. Especially since there were some new people in the firehouse, he was a bit worried about the reaction of some of them. Especially since the paramedic had been opposed to them.

''Matt?''

''We should tell them.'' Matt finally decided.

''You sure.''

''Yeah.'' Matt smiled, caressing Kelly's hand and laying down against him then. Every time he had worries on his mind, or he was not sure, Kelly always made him feel safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, as I finished my other story, I can continue this one! Thank you so much for coming back for the second chapter. I really hope you enjoy this one. It is my first time writing Sevasey in a romantic setting but I am really enjoying it. I hope you do as well! Thanks again for reading and please let me know what you think!


	3. Cake & Dinner

Rain was slamming down on the windshield as they made their way to the firehouse. Kelly was excited to get back to work, but with the rain slamming down on the windshield made him wish that he and Matt were back in Mexico already. Parking close by the firehouse, he tried no to laugh as Matt ran into the firehouse, carrying his bag over his head. It looked a bit silly, and made him look so adorable.

Putting their stuff away in their lockers, they walked towards the common room then. Kelly had wanted to tell them over lunch, but Casey was nervous he didn't want to wait any longer. So instead they just waited for everybody sitting down for breakfast, Matt taking a deep breath.

''We ehm, we got married at the courthouse and went on our honeymoon.'' Matt announced.

''That is amazing, congratulations.'' Herrmann smiled. Boden shook their hands as well.

''About the transfer?'' Matt wanted to ask but Boden shook his head.

''We can talk about that later, I will tell my assistant to get some cake to celebrate.''

''We will still celebrate it as well sometime soon.'' Kelly said.

''I don't want an invite.'' Carl Jones, the new paramedic told him.

''You are welcome either way.'' Matt tried to get thing settled.

''You are ruining marriage.''

''What?''

''Just let it go Kel-'' Matt warned him, glaring at Carl and walking to his office then. He knew that not everybody had to agree with their relationship and he was tired of fighting over it. Even within the firehouse, it had gotten some getting used to some people, even though they didn't disapprove of it.

''You upset?'' Kelly was suddenly in his doorway.

''No, we knew he was going to be shitty about it. Water of a ducks back.'' Matt shrugged.

''Okay, I will leave you be.''

''Yeah.'' Matt said, not wanting to hog Kelly at the firehouse. Even though one of them would have to transfer soon, they didn't want to make anybody upset by being around each other too much at the firehouse. Besides that, there were a lot of reports that Matt wanted to catch up on after their holiday.

The first shift back flew by. Boden's assistant had indeed gotten them some cake and they enjoyed it over lunch. Matt felt a bit embarrassed, not wanting to make it a bigger deal than it was, especially with Carl there.

Even though two calls came in, they were only routine calls after a fire alarm, and soon Matt and Kelly were walking out of the firehouse.

Only after leaving the firehouse, finishing their shift, Kelly took Matt's hand again when they were almost at the car.

''I am glad you told them.'' He said. ''We know Carl was going to be an asshole.''

''I know, me too.'' Matt nodded. ''Next time maybe let's not bring up out marriage at the firehouse.''

''What?''

''I just don't want to get in any trouble or upset anyone, okay?'' Matt sighed.

''Sure.'' Kelly said as he started the car and they drove to the supermarket to pick up groceries for the next two days.

''The party will be nice though, everybody else is happy about it. I know.'' Kelly told him.

''I know. I still need to tell Christie and Violet too. I am not bothering with my mom.'' Casey said as they grabbed a shopping cart and walked to the produce section.

''Want to invite them over tomorrow so you can tell them?''

''Not really. You know, I'd rather just tell Violet. She'll understand and she can just tell Christie.''

''You can't do that.'' Kelly said as Matt was picking out fruits and vegetables – half of which he had never bought before he and Casey had moved in together.

''I know that, it would just be easier you know.'' Matt said as he put them in the cart. ''I don't know how Christie is going to take it.''

''She just wants to see you happy.''

''She thought it was a phase and it was because the divorce with Gabby had done me in.'' Matt argued. ''Besides, she is not wrong – I had never seen myself marrying a man either!''

''Ouch.'' Kelly laughed.

''Kel – I don't mean it like that.''

''I know, I know.'' Kelly said, scrunching up his nose and Casey threw some broccoli in the cart.

''Can we not take something else?''

''Fine!'' Casey rolled his eyes. ''You joke about me not liking spicy food and not being adventurous but you have only tried broccoli once.''

''And I didn't like it.'' Kelly argued as he handed it back to Casey.

''Fine, you know you can't keep living on a diet of pizza and beer forever.''

''You did up until you married Gabby.''

''Actually it was with Hallie.'' Matt said as he tossed the broccoli back in the cart and walked on to the bakery.

''Case, I am sorry.'' Kelly sighed.

''It's okay, you just pick out some bread, I'll get some wine for dinner.'' Matt told him as he walked to the wine section. Kelly bringing up Hallie still hurt. It reminded him of how many things he had already messed up in life. He loved Kelly so much, but sometimes he couldn't shake the thought he had messed so many things up.

Coughing, he put his hand in front of his mouth. Looking at his hand worried, nothing was on his hand and relieved he picked to bottles of red, meeting Kelly at the section with meat.

''Let's invite Christie and Violet over for dinner tomorrow then.'' He sighed.

''You don't have to.''

''I want to – if it is okay with you, it is your house too.'' Matt smiled.

''I like having them over, it is fine with me.'' Kelly smiled at his husband. Together they finished up the groceries and went home, sleeping in each other's arms, tired after the shift, but so content with each other.

 

* * *

 

The next evening, Matt was setting the table as they were waiting for his sister and niece to arrive. Kelly let them in as Matt was finishing the starter.

''Hey!'' Matt greeted them as they came walking into the kitchen. Kissing his sister on his cheek and hugging his niece, he was so glad they had invited them now.

''How was your holiday?'' She asked as they sat down by the table.

''Actually, it was our honeymoon.'' Matt admitted, just wanted to get it out of the way.

''You got married?'' Christie said surprised, but happy.

''Why weren't we there?'' Violet said a bit upset.

''We wanted it to be just the two of us, but we are still throwing a party in a few weeks to celebrate and you will definitely be there, right?''

Violet nodded and Matt smiled. They enjoyed the rest of their dinner. They told all about their honeymoon and Christie made a few remarks about how special it was that Kelly had been able to get Casey out of a plane and out of the country. Matt laughed along, they were innocent jokes and honestly he had never seen himself do it before this. But a lot had changed the past few months. Matt really thought it was the better though. Kelly had shown him sides of himself he hadn't known before and he liked the more adventurous side of himself honestly.

After dinner, Kelly was cleaning up as Matt was already starting to do the dishes.

''I am so glad they reacted well.'' Matt sighed relieved.

''Why did you doubt that?'' Kelly asked worried.

''Just a bit.''

''Well, let's clean the rest up tomorrow before going to shift. Time to go to bed.'' Kelly announced and both of them get ready for bed. Cuddling, they fell asleep.

Not sleeping well, Matt woke up a couple of times, rolling to his own side of the bed then.

Waking up again in the middle of the night, he suddenly noticed something wet on the pillow. Confused he put the light on, seeing the spot of blood on his pillow. Worried he sat up, feeling if he had bitten his lip or his tongue, but they both were fine.

Coughing again, he noticed the spots on his hand now as well.

''Shit?'' He sighed softly, more to himself but Kelly woke up now as well.

''What is it?'' Kelly asked concerned, softly, half awake. Quickly Matt turned his pillow around and laid back down.

''Nothing.'' He said, crawling against Kelly again. For a second the thought about coming clean to his husband, to talk about the blood that he had had in his hand in Mexico, and then again now. About the cough that hadn't seemed to go away for a few weeks now. But he rather kept blaming the cough on a cold, than actually having to talk about it. Kelly was so concerned about him all the time, and he didn't want to make that any worse. Trying to fall back asleep, he planned to put another pillow case on in the morning, and go talk to his GP. Hopefully it would be nothing, he didn't need to tell Kelly till after.

He didn't sleep well the rest of the night. He felt guilty about not wanting to tell Kelly, but he also was worried about what it could be. Especially now that he was getting more concerned, he didn't want to worry Kelly for nothing.

As Kelly was showering the next morning after he did, he swapped out the pillow case and walked to the backyard then, calling his GP to set up an appointment the day after shift. Setting the table for breakfast then, he waited for Kelly to come from the shower.

''Goodmorning.'' Matt smiled as he kissed his husband, Kelly still looking tired. Even though Matt was not really a morning person, Kelly was so much worse. That was why Kelly usually let Matt shower first, getting to spend a few more valuable minutes in bed.

''Mornin''' Kelly yawned, sitting down then.

Sitting down, he didn't only have pain in his chest now, but also in his stomach. Kelly deserved a much better husband, one that wasn't keeping secrets from him. Wanting to tell Kelly then, he told himself that it was nothing, and he shouldn't make Kelly even more worried about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick update as I had promised it to somebody as a birthday gift! (You know who you are ;)), Thank you so much for reading again and I hope you don't hate me for the ending - this isn't a relationship on the show so he won't keep it a secret forever! Hopefully you did like the chapter and till the next one!


	4. X-ray

Matt walked into the office with the GP after shift. He had told Kelly he was going to see a possible client for his construction company. It felt horrible lying to his husband and he had almost told him, but Matt didn't want to worry Kelly about something that was possibly nothing.

After moving in together, they had found this GP. They only visited him once, when Kelly had fallen of his bike and his arm was full of road rash. Kelly had not been too concerned about it, but even though Matt never thought much of his own illnesses and injuries, he was worried about Kelly's.

Sitting in the waiting room, he waited to be called and when he finally was, he sat down in front of the GP.

''So what is the problem.''

''I have pain in my chest, and I coughed up blood – twice.'' Matt tried to just list his problems. He was getting nervous now. Even though he didn't feel horrible, he knew that he should check it out.

''Have you been coughing a lot?''

''I wouldn't say lot, just for a long time now.'' Matt answered as the doctor placed the cold stethoscope against his back.

''Alright, take a deep breath for me.''

Matt followed his order and soon he was pulling his shirt down, sitting down across from the GP again.

''Have you lost weight recently?''

''Not really, I just got married and went on a holiday so I actually put some on.'' Matt answered the question.

''More tired than usual?''

''I uh – I had a rough year and I have not slept well for a while, I actually feel like I have been sleeping better.'' Matt said, not sure how to answer that.

''So no?''

''No, I guess.'' Matt said, not sure.

''It is probably just the back tail of a chest infection – but given the length and your occupation, I want you to get a chest x-ray and I am going to draw some blood.'' The doctor told him.

''Ehm, okay.'' Matt just said a bit nervous. He tried to calm himself down with the thought that the doctor said that it could be nothing. That it was just a small infection and he would be fine since it was almost over.

''What about the blood I coughed up?'' Matt asked a bit nervous as the doctor tied the strap around his arm his arm.

''Might've hurt your throat from coughing, bit of blood coming up. It is something we need to look into, but it doesn't mean it is something bad.'' The doctor calmed his worries. Counting down, he put the needle into Matt's elbow and Matt looked as the blood was spilling into the vials. Taking the needle out again and handing Matt a cotton ball to cover it, he sat down behind his computer, typing something.

''So what now?''

''I am ordering an X-ray for you right now with Chicago Med. They will get you in as soon as possible, you will be called for an x-ray.''

''Sounds like a plan.'' Matt said, looking at the vials of blood on the table. He was cleared to go soon and he felt a bit dizzy. For a moment he wished Kelly was with him because he was worried because he felt dizzy. But he had still not told Kelly, and even this morning before leaving he hadn't.

Taking a few minutes in his car to make the dizziness go away, he looked down at his arm. Luckily nothing was to be scene of the blood drawing and he was glad he didn't need to explain it to Kelly. Even time he thought about how unfair he was being to husband, the pit in his stomach seemed to become heavier.

Walking into the townhouse, he was surprised Kelly wasn't home, but he found on a note in the kitchen then explaining that Kelly had gone out to get them subs for lunch. Doing some things around the house, he heard Kelly walk in.

''Hey.'' Matt said as he walked towards Kelly, kissing him on his cheek.

''How was the meeting?'' Kelly asked as he came walking in, putting lunch down on the table.

''It was fine – didn't get the job though. Not really my thing so I was honest about that. They can better find somebody that can do a better job.'' Matt said as was excited to have the subs for lunch.

''Ah babe, you will get a job again soon.'' Kelly sighed.

''It's fine, it has been a busy few months.'' Matt said as he sat down at the table.

''If you like we can go for a run after lunch – or maybe take out the motorbike.'' Kelly offered.

''I am opting for the run – you are just saying the motorbike thing to get me to hug you for hours.'' Matt joked to Kelly.

''You got me.'' Kelly laughed.

Later that night, they laid together on the couch. Both of them were tired after their run by the lakeshore, but honestly Matt was glad because it really went well. He didn't have the pain in his chest, and he started to hope that his doctor was right and it was just throat being irritated and the tail end of a chest infection.

* * *

 

A few days later, he walked into Chicago med. He was up for the x-ray today. The doctor had called him. The infection rate in his blood way high, but that was a good sign as that made the whole chest infection story more likely than anything worse.

The last few days he had felt pretty decent – actually better than before. The shifts had been good and he and Kelly had spend a lot of time together. They had gone to see a movie, tried some restaurants and Matt was really enjoying it. Kelly continued widening his world and they only seemed to fall in love more.

His thoughts about his husband were interrupted as a radiologist came to get him and he had to get his shirt off.

Laying down on the metal table, he was told to put his arms up and he laid his hands above his head. He was told to lay still and he looked at the ceiling. A few minutes later he was told he was okay to go.

''Did you see anything?'' Matt asked worried but the radiologist shrugged.

''I can't say, I am sorry. You will be called later this week to set up an appointment for the results. Sorry, I can't say anything.''

Matt just nodded, going to get dressed again then. He was shivering a bit after laying in the metal table. He felt nervous now that the radiologist couldn't just say everything looked well. He hoped that he would be called soon about the results.

In the car, he thought about if he should tell Kelly. He felt so bad keeping this a secret for his husband. But ever since the moment he had divorced Gabby and he had not been in a good place. Kelly had been so concerned about him and he did not want to worry Kelly again. Maybe he would get told that he was fine, and he would've worried Kelly for nothing.

Driving home, he decided to tell Kelly after he had a phone call about what was going to happen now. If it was nothing, there would be no reason to freak Kelly out.

Parking and walking up the steps to their townhouse, he hoped they would go do something fun today. He really could use something to take his mind of this morning.

''Where have you been?'' Kelly asked as Matt came walking in.

''Was meeting clients for a construction job – didn't get the job.'' Matt lied as he looked at Kelly holding an envelope. Feeling horrible about lying, he wanted to come clean, but especially after the doctors had been silent after the x-ray, he was scared for what was to come, and he wanted to protect Kelly from that at all cost.

''Like last Wednesday? When you were at a construction job but according to this bill really visited our GP?'' Kelly said as he waived the letter. ''Why wouldn't you tell me if something is wrong with you. I am your husband, you should trust me with this these things!''

''I trust you, I just – I just didn't want to worry you. It could be nothing and you would be so worried about me.'' Matt tried to explain, but he knew that he had messed up not telling Kelly.

Kelly felt so angry, not only because Matt had hidden it to him, but also because he was so worried about Matt now.

''What is wrong?'' He finally sighed, wanting to know what was happening with Matt. He had never been a person to look for medical care until things got out of hand, so Kelly was worried something was terribly wrong.

''I uh- I have pain in my chest for a few weeks now, and sometimes when I cough blood comes up – that happened when we were in Mexico once, then I thought it was fine but it happened again after the dinner with Violet and Christie.'' Matt mumbled, stammering a bit over the words.

''Fuck Matt – when were you going to tell me?!''Kelly burst out, sick with worry now.

''I don't know!'' He admitted. Suddenly tears welled up in his eyes, and even though he didn't want to cry in front of his husband – he knew well Kelly deserved to be angry with him – tears started streaming down his cheeks.

''Matt-''

''I am so sorry Kel – I am just so scared about what is going to happen. You deserve so much better than me.'' He admitted. Kelly walked towards him, laying his hands on Matt's shoulders.

''don't be sorry.'' Kelly sighed. Even though he was a bit mad about it, he knew Matt had not wanted to hurt him.

''I am though.''

''Okay, be a little sorry, but what did the doctor say?'' Kelly said. He was more angry about his husband leaving him out of his worries, than Matt actually going behind his back. He was concerned more than anything.

''They are concerned, said infection rate is high in my blood and they didn't say anything about the x-ray.'' Matt cried as Kelly pushed him down on the couch.

''When are you seeing your doctor again?''

''Friday. Will you come with me? I was going to tell you, I promise.'' Matt tried to make up.

''I know, ofcourse I will come with you.'' Kelly promised his husband, wrapping his arms around him. He was not even angry now anymore, all he felt now was worried about his beloved husband.

''I know how hard it is for you to trust people and I know you were going to tell me, thank you for trying to protect me but I want to be there for you.'' Kelly said as he had his arm around Matt, holding him close. He wasn't angry at all anymore.

''I love you.'' Kelly assured Matt, kissing him on top of his head.

''I love you too.'' Matt said, trying to get a grip, knowing that everything might still turn out okay. Especially now that he had his husband by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter upon request of people! I am going on a holiday tomorrow though so it will be a week before I can update. I hope you will still be interested them! Thanks so much for reading and hopefully till after my holiday! :)


	5. Reception 22

Matt was just finishing up his stuff as the shift was ending. Quickly he went to go pack his bag, wanting to go home.

Packing up his stuff, he looked as Kelly was still in his office. Knocking on the door, he leaned inside.

''Kel, you ready to go?'' he enquired. His fingers were tapping against the doorframe, looking nervous.

Looking up at the clock, Kelly noticed it was barely a minute past their shift ending.

''Matt – I know you are nervous, but rushing home won't make the appointment come any sooner than 4.'' Kelly said as he turned in his chair.

''I know, I know. You know what, you finish up, I will grab us some breakfast from the deli around the corner. You wait in the car.'' Matt promised. Kelly nodded and looked as Matt left.

Walking to the corner, Matt pressed his hand on the sore spot on his chest. He had been called by his GP and had a small procedure done as a precaution after the x-ray. His GP said he would be called again by the hospital and he had the appointment later today.

Kelly finished up his work and walked towards the car. He was scared about what was going to come today. Even though Matt seemed oblivious to what was going on, Kelly did not have a good feeling. He had a feeling that Matt couldn't deal with the fact that something was really wrong, and he brushed it off.

He had been with him when Matt had the biopsy, and he knew that it meant things were seriously wrong, but when the GP wanted to talk to Matt, Matt had brushed it off he would hear it in the hospital. Kelly had told his husband he was too stubborn for his own good, but knew there was not much he could do about it.

They met up at the car as Matt had gotten them breakfast. Sitting down at home with it, Matt opened some of the mail that been delivered yesterday after they had gone to shift, one letter being more instructions about his appointment later today.

There was a letter about having to be at reception 22 at 4 today. Putting it away, Matt looked as Kelly was unpacking their bags.

''You nervous?'' Kelly asked concerned.

''No, I guess if it was serious I would've been notified earlier.'' Matt tried to shrug it off.

'''Well, I mean, they might have only gotten the biopsy results today.'' Kelly admitted. He had a really bad feeling, especially since it seemed that Matt was in denial. Trying to get his mind off it, they enjoyed breakfast. After that, both of them took a short nap. Kelly had his arms around Matt as his husband was asleep with his head on his chest. He was glad that Matt was sleeping for a bit now – although it was probably because he had not felt well the last few days.

Kelly could not get his mind off the appointment and he couldn't seem to fall asleep. He was so concerned about his husband. Even though Matt seemed to be in denial, he knew it was serious. 4 PM could not come soon enough and Kelly felt relieved as they drove them to the hospital. Even though he felt bad about it, he hoped that finally knowing what was wrong would at least be a relief.

Walking into the hospital, Matt was looking at the letter in his hand.

''We need to go reception 22.'' Matt said as he looked up at the signs.

''Matt- that's oncology.'' Kelly said concerned as he spotted it.

''No – that can't be right, probably just read the number wrong.'' Matt mumbled as he looked down at his paper. But the paper really told him to go to 22.

Looking as Matt kept looking up at the sign and back to his letter, realization sunk in for Kelly. He tried not to show his nerves to Matt as they followed the signs. He was not sure if Matt really had no idea about what was going on, or he pretended it was fine, like usually.

Sitting down, Kelly looked at Matt, nervous.

''You okay.''

''Yeah, I am fine.'' Matt said, trying to force a smile on his face.

Kelly wanted to say something about the fact they had to go to oncology, but didn't want to worry Matt even more.

Just as Kelly thought of something to say, Matt brought it up.

''You know, Will told me once at molly's they don't have enough space sometimes, so some departments use empty offices of other departments, should be fine.''

''Yeah, I guess so.'' Kelly just mumbled as they looked at the mostly empty waiting room.

''Mr. Casey?'' A doctor came to get them.

''Yeah.'' Matt stood up, shaking his hand and they walked towards an office. Kelly felt the dark clouds looming overhead.

In the office, Kelly sat down, Matt noticing the sign that said dr. Weller was an oncologist.

''Mr. Casey, please sit down.''

''Wait, why am I here, do I have – I don't have ca-'' Matt said as it was sinking in where he was, and probably why.

''Matt come, on, sit down.'' Kelly said as he took Matt's hand, gently pulling him down into the chair. Matt sat down, taking a deep breath. Kelly was still caressing his hand, but it was not calming him down at all.

The doctor had the scan in front of him.

''The x-rays showed that you have masses in your lungs – hence we had you do the–''

''I don't have cancer- I can't have cancer. I eat healthy, I work out, I don't smoke.'' Matt started to ramble. Feeling so bad for his husband, Kelly laid his hand over his, caressing and pinching his hand as Matt was rambling.

''The biopsy showed that it the masses are malignant. I am really sorry to tell you, but you have lung cancer.''

* * *

 

On the drive home from the hospital, Matt kept crying. Kelly kept trying to comfort him, but he had no idea what to say. Nothing he could say could make this better.

Casey hadn't said anything since he left the office. He spend all his time looking out of the window, tears streaming down his cheek. Every now and then as they were driving straight roads, Kelly took his hand for a second, kissing it, but Matt did not respond to it.

At home, Matt walked straight to bed, tired after all the sleepless night because of the shift as well as only having a short nap. Even though he didn't think he was going to be able to sleep, he needed a moment to try and stop himself from unraveling. Kelly gave him a few minutes, walking in with a glass of water then.

''I know it's a stupid question – but are you okay?''

Matt shrugged, taking the water from Kelly.

Kelly sat down beside him on the bed, looking at his husband's puffy face from crying.

''You don't have to stay with me. I can't expect you to have to deal with all of this.'' Matt told him as he looked at his hands.

''Are you kidding me Matt, how can you think I am leaving you. I married you! One of the vows was in sickness and in health and I mean it.'' Kelly argued, taking the glass from Matt's hand as it almost fell.

Pulling Matt against him as he wasn't saying anything, Kelly kissed him on top of his head.

''I don't want to mess up your life.'' Matt cried against Kelly.

''You will never do that. All we need to focus on is getting you better, and it will happen, I am sure.'' Kelly said, hoping it would put his mind at ease. But it made him feel bad, because he did feel worried. The doctor had not been too positive, and it was going to be a long road of chemo, radiation and possibly surgery.

''I love you so much, and I know this is not going to be easy, but you are so strong, and you are going to be okay.'' Kelly promised him.

Matt was still sobbing, and as he usually kept his emotions to himself, Kelly was just glad to see his husband letting his emotions out.

''The doctor said that you will get better. It is going to be tough, but I know you will get through this – that we will get through this.'' Kelly promised him again. It felt like he had a heavy pit in his stomach that kept sinking. It finally really set in that everything was going to change. Even though he tried to remain positive, he was so scared about losing his Matt.

''I barely even paid attention to what the doctor said.'' Matt admitted as he tried to dry his tears, Kelly handing him a tissue.

''That is not that strange – we can talk about it later.'' Kelly tried to comfort him. He had seen Matt's lost expression while the doctor was talking and made sure he remembered most of it. Matt still had tears in his eyes, even though the tears had stopped streaming down his cheeks.

''I love you.'' Kelly said, laying his hand on Matt's jaw, kissing him on his forehead. Matt laid against him and in silence, they laid against each other in each other's embrace.

Later that night, after some take out, Matt had taken a sleeping pill and laid sound asleep again Kelly, Kelly was googling on his phone about stage two lung cancer. He hoped that it would calm him down a bit, to know what was going to happen.

But instead it only made him more scared. The survival rates, the side effects of the treatments and the more he read, frightened him. Looking down at his husband, vast asleep against him, he was so scared for what was going to come.

He really didn't want to even think, about losing his Matt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you hate me after this chapter but that is okay - I hope you are still interested in the story as there is tons to come! Now that I am back from my holiday I should update more often again. Thank you so much for reading and hopefully you did like this chapter, even with the bad news! Hopefully till next chapter! x


	6. The Choice

Kelly looked aside at his husband. They were at the firehouse, but it was the first time they had been here together in a few days. Matt had called in sick the last few days – and they had spend a lot of time at the hospital to talk about Matt's treatment plan. Even though he was still in denial about his diagnosis, Kelly had brought it up and didn't give him much of a choice to keep denying it.

But Matt had wanted to come today to tell the firehouse about what was going on. At first he had wanted to keep it to himself, but since he wouldn't be working at the firehouse anymore, he felt the owed his friends here an explanation.

''I really need to tell you all something.'' Matt said as he leaned against the table. ''As you know I've been missing a few shifts and that is because I had to go to the hospital for some tests – the last few weeks I have been feeling really ill, and we found out that I have stage 2 lung cancer.''

Everybody was silent, Matt had tears in his eyes as Kelly was trying not to cry either. Matt let out a deep sigh. It felt like a bit of relief that he could finally say it to somebody else than Kelly.

''Guess that is what you get for being a sinner.'' Carl's voice was the first to interrupt the silence.

The others, taken aback by the news and not knowing what to say, looked at Carl with the same horrified expression as Kelly.

Matt shook his head, tears finally streaming down his cheeks then as he walked out of the common room towards Kelly's office. Slumping down on the bed, he started to sob.

''You are such a-'' Kelly pointed at Carl as Matt had left the room. He wanted to get so mad, yell even worse things at him. But taking a deep breath then, he realized that his husband needed his support more now than Carl needed a yelling.

''What is wrong with you?'' He heard Herrmann say as he walked towards his office, glad to see Matt in his office.

''Matt?'' Kelly asked carefully as he walked into the office.

''He's right, he is absolutely damn right.'' Matt sobbed, his knees pulled up, his arm on his knees and his face pressed into the crook of his arm.

''He is not, he is a moron.'' Kelly said as he sat down on the bed beside his husband, putting his arm around Matt. Pushing his arm away, Matt got up.

''Maybe he is right Kel – I married you and suddenly I have cancer!'' Matt yelled, completely losing it as tears streamed down his cheeks.

''Matt-'' Kelly wanted to come closer, but as he was getting closer, Matt pushed him away.

''I am going home, just enjoy the rest of shift.'' Matt said as he dried his tears. Through the backdoor, he left the firehouse. Not being able to deal with this on top of his diagnosis, he started the car and drove home.

He had so much on his mind. On top of his diagnosis, he was now scared about the long road ahead of him. He would start chemo next week, and he was honestly scared about what going to happen. Now that he was slowly moving past his denial, fear was setting in.

Besides that, the doctor had warned him about all the side effects of the chemo and the radiation, and it made it even harder to accept. He didn't want to feel sorry for himself, but it was hard to accept that having a child of his own probably never was going to happen now.

At home he wanted to text Kelly he was fine, but before he could though, there was a knock on the door. Opening the door, he was surprised to see the guys and Stella from his truck standing in front of their door.

''We just want to say how sorry we are, captain.'' Herrmann said and before Matt could tell him he was fine, Herrmann took a step forward.

''I am going to hug you.''

Before he could object, Christopher did so. At firs the wanted to pull himself free from the embrace but it was comforting.

''Carl is an asshole, Boden called him straight to his office. Looks like he is done in this firehouse.'' Stella said as she laid her hand on his shoulder.

''I called Cindy and she is bringing over some meals tonight. You and Kelly need some great comfort food – he should be home soon. Boden gave him the rest of the shift off.'' Christopher said.

''That is so nice of you.'' Matt said, feeling really grateful for all the support from his truck.

''When is your next appointment in the hospital?'' Otis asked as they sat down in the living room.

'Next Friday, I need to start my chemo next week.'' Matt said. Before he was always very private about his personal life, but also knew he was going to need the comfort of his firehouse family.

''We will be there for you.'' Herrmann promised again. They had to leave as a call came in, but Matt felt a lot better.

About an hour later, Kelly came home. Boden had let him go early after what had happened at the firehouse and Matt was so glad he was here.

''I am so sorry about earlier.'' Matt said as he hugged his husband. Sitting down on the couch, Kelly pulled Matt against him. Kelly kissing him on his head, he felt so calm now.

''We are going to be okay, right?'' Matt asked concerned.

''Ofcourse we are. I am going to be here for you every évéry single step on the way, I promise.'' Kelly spoke softly and Matt closed his eyes, feeling safe and comfortable, he laid against Kelly.

''Matt, you don't regret marrying me, do you?'' Kelly asked a bit worried, but he felt he had to ask after what had happened at the firehouse today.

''Why would I?'' Matt asked confused.

''After this morning, after what Carl said – you don't really think you deserve this because you fell in love with me, right?'' Kelly asked concerned.

''No – no, it just hit me hard he said that.'' Matt said, not really wanting to talk about it. Kelly caressed over his head as Matt laid his head on his lap.

''I still want to celebrate our wedding with the firehouse before I get really sick.'' Matt suddenly blurted out.

''So we arrange it, next Friday.'' Kelly promised, even though that was only four days away.

That evening Cindy indeed came to bring them some food and they really appreciated it. With both of them feeling kicked down by the diagnosis, they had most lived of delivery food the past few days. Kelly was glad Matt was having a good meal now since he would need his strength when he would start the chemo next week. Both of them were nervous about it. Kelly had rescheduled some shifts so he could at least be with Matt the first three days. Luckily he wouldn't need to be inpatient for the first few rounds, and Kelly was glad to have him home.

Later that night, Kelly was sitting at the table with a lot of papers he had to sort out for their insurance. Matt was booked in for a small procedure Friday to get a central line placed in his chest, so he could start chemo the week after. After multiple rounds of chemo and with radiation, the doctor had told them that there was a good chance of being able to remove all of the tumors with surgery after. But even though there was a solid plan for Matt, Kelly knew the odds were not in his favor.

He looked up as Matt kept pacing through the room. At first he ignored it, knowing that he was nervous and he probably didn't want to talk about it, but finally he looked up.

''What is wrong?''

''I want to delay the chemo.'' Matt admitted.

''What?'' Kelly stopped what he was doing.

''I want to delay and bank my sperm'' Matt said nervous.

''Matt – you can't just do that, the doctor said it still contained now but it could spread to your lymph nodes very soon.'' Kelly said concerned, his husband looking miserable.

''But I want to have a baby with you someday.''

''So we use mine. Matt, we can't delay the chemo.''

''We can't, but I can. It's my choice.'' Matt said, looking even more nervous.

''It is Matt – and know I will support you either way, but I am scared about losing you.'' He said as he dropped the papers and got up and laid his hands on Matt's shoulders.

''Do you want to delay?''

''No – yes – no.'' Matt admitted. 'I don't know.''

''Sleep on it, we can talk about it tomorrow.''

''Kel – I am worried about making the wrong choice.'' Matt admitted. ''I don't want to make the wrong choice and die, or give up the chance to have a baby with you.''

''I know how important it is to you. You need to make this choice, just know I am here for you, always.'' Kelly said as he kissed him on his cheek.

''I know you think it doesn't matter if we can still have a baby through you, but I always wanted my own.'' Matt admitted. ''And it seems silly now – guess I'm being stupid.''

''Matt. You are never being stupid. Just sleep on it, okay? I love you.'' Kelly hugged him tight.

''Can you come to bed with me?'' Matt asked, tired after the long day.

''Yeah, give me five.'' Kelly promised. He really needed to get the paperwork for their insurance done before shift tomorrow – the last thing he wanted was for Matt to have to worry about it.

Matt kissed him on his cheek and walked to the bedroom then. Finishing up, Kelly soon followed. Matt was brushing his teeth and he undressed, coming walking back in his pyjamas.

''Kel – can you arrange the wedding party – I still really want to do it before I get worse – I know Friday is a bit short -''

''Yeah, I am on it.'' Kelly promised, laying in bed, in each other's arms.

''I am going to call doctor Weller tomorrow. Maybe I only have to delay for a few days.'' Matt sighed.

''That sounds like a great plan.'' Kelly told him as he pulled Matt even closer against him. Even though the doctor had told Matt he would end up infertile because of the chemo, it was not something Kelly had thought about. As his odds weren't great, Kelly hadn't even dared to think of them starting a family someday. But it did make sense for Matt to think about it. It was something he always wanted.

He listened to Matt's soft heartbeat and breathing as Matt had fallen asleep already. Caressing over his back, It was odd, that the body he loved and knew so well had betrayed them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this chapter! I hope you don't mind the quick update! Hopefully you enjoyed this chapter, as there is a lot more to come for the boys! Hopefully till next chapter! :)


	7. The Party

Matt and Kelly had a long day ahead. Matt had to go to the fertility clinic first to bank a first sample of his sperm. After that he had to go to the hospital to get a central line placed in his chest, as he could still start chemo next week. Just before starting, he needed to go here Monday before going to the hospital as well. Even though they would've rather saved even more, this seemed like the right compromise.

But tonight they had something a lot more fun planned, their party at Molly's to celebrate their marriage.

Getting in the car, they drove to the clinic. Parking there, Matt got out of the car, Kelly wanting to get up as well, but noticed Matt looking a little bit unsure.

''Ehm – I'd rather go in alone.'' Matt admitted. Looking at the fertility clinic, he felt his face turning red.

''If you want – I can go in with y-'' Kelly said, not sure what Matt wanted. He saw his husband blushing and he was not sure what Matt wanted.

''I know, but I feel a bit embarrassed already.'' Matt sighed.

''Alright, I will go do groceries then. Will be back here when I am done.''

''Sounds good.'' Matt nodded. Kelly looked a bit hurt that he didn't want him there but he understood. All of it had been new for Matt and there had been so many new and unknown things for him, so he let Matt decide where he wanted him and where not.

Walking inside, he walked to the front desk.

He tried to set himself over his embarrassment. Doctor Weller had moved heaven and earth so that he could go in today to bank a first load of his sperm, and Monday he would go in for a second time, right before starting chemo.

''Matthew Casey, I am here for a sample – ehm – doctor Weller send me.''

''Alright, you will be called in soon, please take a seat in the waiting room.'' The lady behind the desk smiled at him. He did so, looking at a couple sitting across from him. He wondered if Kelly and him would be sitting here in a few years as well really together, hoping for their own baby.

He called into the room by a nurse now, explaining a bit about the process. Getting a plastic cup now and being offered some magazines, his face was bright red as he was send a private room.

About half an hour later, he walked out of the clinic and saw Kelly's car. Getting in, Kelly looked at him questioning, but he just ignored it, not wanting to talk about it now.

Driving to the hospital, Matt didn't have to wait long for the procedure.

As Matt was getting the central line put in his chest, Kelly was reading a book and arranging the last things for tonight via his phone. He hoped that Matt would still feel up for it tonight, even though he had the small surgery now. Luckily he didn't full anesthetic, just local so he should be fine.

Kelly was waiting for him and even though he was sore, he was excited for the party tonight. It had been hastily planned, but since he was starting chemo after the weekend, they didn't have much of a choice. Sure, they could pick not to do it at all, but he did want to celebrate it, especially since he knew he was probably going to be sick soon.

''You okay?'' Kelly asked concerned.

''Yeah, fine. Wasn't too painful.'' Matt assured him as even though his chest near his collarbone was hurting a bit, it was not too bad. He was nervous starting chemo after the weekend, but tried not to think about it but enjoy the celebrations tonight first.

''At least they don't need to prick in my arm every day now.'' Matt sighed as they walked to the car. Even the doctor had said it was not necessary but recommended, he had not doubted for a second. Anything that would help him with his treatment was good for him.

At home, they had lunch and Matt laid on the couch, waiting for the local anesthetic to wear off as Kelly was doing the last preparations for the party.

After dinner, they went to get ready.

Kelly looked as Matt got dressed. He looked good in his slim dark blue jeans and he wanted to put on a white shirt.

''Matt – maybe don't wear white.''

''Yeah, you are right.'' Matt stopped, looking at the port. Although it was not bleeding through the dressing, he knew Kelly was concerned about bleeding through the white shirt. Besides that, it would also be visible then because of the white being not fully opaque. Settling for a t-shirt and a jacket instead, they were soon on their way to molly's. They would walk there, but take a cab on the way back. It was a far walk but it wasn't cold.

''You don't mind I didn't drive us-''

''Kelly you have been driving me around for days now. It is fine. It is nice to just have a walk.'' Matt assured him as they locked hands.

''How was it….this morning?''

Kelly had not dared to ask him yet, but he wanted to know how it had been for his husband this morning at the clinic.

''It was a bit awkward, but I am glad we're doing this.'' Matt just mumbled.

''Did they give you any good magazines or was the thought of me enough?'' Kelly said joking.

''Kel.'' Matt groaned.

''Alright – just wanted to know what is going in your life okay – I love you.''

''I know. I know.'' Matt smiled. He hoped they could drop the topic now and he was glad when Kelly did.

They walked into Molly's, a short while before the party would start. Kelly and Herrmann had taken care of most of the party and Herrmann waved Matt to walk over to the bar, already having a beer ready for him.

''How are you?''

''I feel great, looking forward to tonight.'' Matt smiled, hitting their bottles of beer together. He looked as Kelly was fixing up some of the fairy lights on the roof.

''You look good.'' Herrmann said as Matt sat down, taking a sip of the beer that Herrmann had handed him.

''I haven't started treatment yet.'' Matt shrugged. He knew that it would change when he started the chemo, and he was not looking forward to all the side effects.

''Also that – but you have a sparkle in your eye, especially when you look at Kelly. It is great to see. Never lose that spark.'' Herrmann smiled as he started pouring some shots for the two of them. Matt refused the shot. Even though he felt great even with the small surgery this morning, he didn't want to mess around with the anesthesia.

The guests of the party started to arrive now as well. It was great how many people had showed up, everybody that they had invited. Christie and Violet were one of the first, and Matt was glad that he had told them about his diagnosis days ago, so they could just focus on the party now.

''Told you were still going to celebrate it together.'' Matt said as he hugged his niece.

Especially after the mean comments from Carl – whom had been suspended from the whole CFD until further notice – it made them both feel so loved that there were so many people here to celebrate their marriage. People that accepted them and they knew would support them on the long road ahead with Matt's cancer.

Even though Matt did not want to give a sappy speech – especially since he was not sure how he would fare knowing that this would probably the only reason for celebration in the next few months – but Kelly hit against his glass then.

''We just want to thank you all for coming here tonight. We have felt so much love these last few weeks and I think I can say for both Matt and me, we feel very supported and loved and for that we want to thank you all.'' Kelly spoke, and Matt was glad he had managed what they both had felt into proper words.

Mingling with everybody, Matt looked around, glad that Kelly had managed to arrange this all still. He was really grateful for it and kept an eye on Kelly, walking to the bar for him hoping he had a great time as well. Standing at the bar to get another round for Kelly, Christie touched his arm.

''Matt, can you come to the kitchen with me for a second?'' Christie asked and Matt followed her, surprised.

''Something wrong – need any help with Violet?'' Matt asked concerned.

''No – I know you struggled telling mom about your marriage, and I know you didn't tell her about the cancer cause you didn't want to tell her you are married.''

''Christie, I was gonna tell her.'' Matt sighed.

''I told her about you being ill, I haven't let go of the details, that is up to you. She wants to be here for you.'' Christie told him. From her handbag, she took an envelope and handed it to him.

''I didn't tell her about the marriage, but that woman loves you, and cares about you. I think you should tell her.''

''You didn't talk with her for years.'' Matt mumbled, slowly opening the envelope.

''But I let her back in my life, and she is trying to be in your life as well. I think you should let her in.'' Christie said as Matt found a card with a heart on the front. Reading it, he felt a warm feeling in his chest. His mom had been in contact with him, but it had been very shallow contact. But in the card, she talked about being there for him and hoping he would let her in.

''Thanks, I really appreciate this Christie.'' He said, telling himself to call her.

''Well, I can't blame you though, our parents weren't exactly the best.''

''Can you imagine what dad would say, probably the same as Carl.'' Matt said with a self-deprecating smile.

''Wait, who is carl?''

''Some asshole that said I deserved the cancer for marrying Kelly.'' Matt took a big swig of his beer.

''Matt- dad would never say that.'' Christie told him. ''He was a foul, damaged man, but he would be proud of you, I am sure.''

''Thanks, I really needed to hear that.'' He smiled at his sister.

''He wasn't the best at showing it but I know for a fact he was very proud of you and always boasted about his son whom was going to be a firefighter.'' Christie said.

''Alright, let's head back to the party – thanks again.'' Matt smiled and they walked back to the bar area.

It was way past midnight when they both stumbled to a cab. Kelly was very frisky and couldn't keep his hands off Matt, whom just tried to get them home.

Sitting on the edge of the bed a while later to take a look to see if everything was alright with the central line, Kelly's hand snaked into his boxers and Matt got up.

''You know I can't, need to get the count up again before Monday.'' Matt laughed as Kelly tried to pull him on the bed.

''Alright, alright. But I still want you right here with me.'' Kelly slurred. Matt took his hand he had stretched out and laid down beside him.

''So magazines or –'' Kelly teased him.

''No, the thought of you was enough.'' Matt laughed, crawling against Kelly. Laying close, they were glad to have such a great evening with the long road that was coming for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long chapter for my doing! I hope you enjoyed it and I am not a medical professional. I try to research things but I am sorry if things arent fully accurate! Thanks so much for reading and hopefully till next chapter!


	8. Donuts and Chemo

Nervous they walked into the outpatient clinic the next morning for the first time. Matt had just gone into the fertility clinic on the way for another donation.

Holding Kelly's hand tight, he was so glad to have him here with him. He was wearing one of Kelly's shirts as they were a bit bigger as his tight shirts irritated the hurting skin around the central line that was placed friday.

Kelly pinched his hand as they walked to the reception. It was scary to go here, but to be honest he was also relieved Matt was starting his treatment so soon. He hoped it would cause this to go away soon. The doctors had said that Matt's outlook wasn't fantastic, but there was a chance he would be able to beat this. But he knew how stubborn his husband was, and believed in him.

Matt announced himself at the front desk and was taken by a nurse. Kelly walked with him as Matt took place in one of the large chairs in a large, light room. Soon the central line was hooked to bags of fluids.

''Are you okay?'' Kelly asked worried.

''I guess.'' Matt sighed. He didn't have a choice at all. Kelly was holding his hand, noticing the tears that were burning in his eyes.

Even though he would be in close contact with his doctor during this cycle, as long as his blood was good, he would be able to go this outpatient clinic that was a lot closer to their home than the hospital. He would get his blood drawn here as well to test it every so many days.

He saw Matt looking around the room, a bit distressed. Some of the people looked very ill, and he was scared for what was going to come for him. Looking out of the window then, Kelly was worried to upset him more by saying anything. Finally after a while, he did so.

''Can I get you something? I was thinking of getting some coffee-''

''Yeah, yeah that sounds good.'' Matt said with a small smile.

''Latte?''

''And a donut?'' Matt asked.

''Yeah, I'll get you your fave.'' Kelly said, getting up and kissing him on top of his head.

''Sounds good, thanks.'' Matt smiled. Kelly left to get a drink and snack for the both of them and Matt was glad that he had picked a chair at the window, looking outside now. Taking his phone from his pocket, he saw he had missed a lot of text messages.

Looking at his phone, there were a ton of messages from his firehouse family sending him kind stuff and best wishes for today. Finally he decided to call his mum. It had been on his mind all weekend, but every time he felt he couldn't tell her about his cancer. But now that he had started chemo, he didn't really have much of choice.

It was his reality now.

''Hey mom.'' He said as Nancy took the phone.

''Matt, I am so grateful you called!'' She sighed. ''How are you doing?''

''I am not great – mum – eh, they found I have lung cancer, and I started chemo today.'' Matt said softly, not to disturb anybody around him.

''Oh Matt –'' His mother's voice broke and Matt had a hard time not chocking up either.

''I will be fine though – Kelly is great for me, he is the best.'' Matt said, trying to stop his tears from flowing down his cheeks and instead thinking of Kelly, as that made him so happy.

''I am glad he is there for you, he is such a great friend –''

''Actually we got married, mom.'' Matt interrupted her, just wanting to get it out of the way.

His mom was silent for a few seconds.

''I am really happy for you both – and proud of you.'' She finally said.

''Thanks, that means a lot – ehm if you'd like to you can maybe come by soon? See our new house?'' Matt offered.

''I would love that, let me know when it suits you both.'' Nancy offered back and Matt was really glad he had called. Even though he was not sure how much he could expect from his mom given their history, he was glad to hopefully try and build some bridges with his mother. They chatted a bit more, but Matt hung up as he saw Kelly.

Kelly came walking back in with a latte for him, as well as a donut.

''Thanks.'' Matt smiled, really grateful for Kelly trying to make him feel good on a day he didn't feel he would smile at all.

''Who were you calling?''

''My mom, she reacted really well actually, she wants to come over soon.'' Matt said as he dug into the donut.

''That's great.'' Kelly said, even though he was not Nancy's biggest fan, he was glad that they would at least try to better their bond.

It took another two hours before Matt was finally good to go and Kelly drove them home.

Arriving back at their townhouse, they walked to theirs in the middle of the row. Kelly grabbed his arm as they arrived at the steps.

''Kel-''

''I am just worried.'' Kelly said as he let go.

''I feel fine, really.'' Matt assured him. He really did. The doctor had told him that he might not get any side effects until his second cycle. Sitting down on the couch inside, he wanted to watch the match they hadn't watched last night.

Settling on the couch together, they watched the game, the first day having gone over relatively okay.

 

* * *

 

TWO WEEKS LATER

* * *

 

 

Matt woke up alone, Kelly on shift for another hour.

He had only just started the second round of chemo yesterday, but he felt nowhere the same as when he had started the first one. Two days ago he had felt fine, but feeling sick and tired now, it was harder to get up in the morning in time for his chemo.

Kelly had been on shift since yesterday morning and he would not be in time to bring him to the clinic, so Matt would see him there.

Yesterday he hadn't liked feeling ill while Kelly was not here, but Kelly had put so much aside for him already he didn't call him. Besides, it was not too bad. Even though he had skipped dinner and mostly slept, he didn't see it as enough reason to call Kelly and drag him away from the job he liked so much.

Looking in the mirror, he looks tired, not having slept well even though he spend most of yesterday sleeping – although that could also be the reason he hadn't slept well. For a second he thought about having breakfast, but not really hungry and worrying about throwing up at the clinic, he decided to just go without breakfast.

He took an Uber to the clinic and soon he was back the chair he had chosen to be his favorite during his first cycle. It was one near the window and it was nice to look outside, especially as he felt too ill now to pay attention to a book or a podcast.

It didn't long for Kelly to come rushing in. Kelly immediately spotted him by the window and grabbed a chair, sitting down beside him.

''Hey.'' Kelly kissed him on his cheek, looking concerned. Yesterday morning when he had left, Matt had still been asleep, but now it looked like Matt had barely slept since.

''Hey.'' Matt smiled back as they shared another kiss.

''You okay?''

''Bit tired. Fine otherwise.'' Matt told Kelly, not really wanting to frighten Kelly too bad, especially since he felt a bit better now than he did last night.

''You don't look fine.'' Kelly said concerned.

''I didn't sleep well.'' Matt said. It was not even that he did not want to be honest with Kelly, but it was mostly that he didn't want to admit to himself that he was really getting ill now.

''You are as white as a shee-''

''How was your shi-'' Matt had to stop talking, a wave of nausea washing over him. Just in time, he managed to grab the bucket from the floor beside him, throwing up all the bile he had in him. Kelly was caressing his back, looking concerned.

One of the nurses rushed over as well, handing him a towel and making sure he was okay.

''Oh Matt…'' Kelly caressed his hand, Matt looking absolutely miserable now. His eyes were bloodshot and he was even paler than before. Matt was glad he could finally go home three hours later. In the car, he tried his best not to throw up again. Kelly kept an eye on him, so concerned about him. At home, he hoped Matt would feel just a bit better after having some food later.

Matt set his foot on the first step towards their house, almost falling over then.

Kelly grabbed his arm just in time and helped him up the four steps. In the hallway he helped take his jacket off and guided him to the large bay window seat in the living room, where Matt loved to sit. Handing him a blanket, Kelly went to get a drink for him.

Laying his head back as he looked outside, Matt started to feel worse and worse. Two days ago he had felt good, but now he felt too sick to even get up the stairs to their house.

''I got you some lemon tea, should help with the nausea.''

Matt wanted to say it probably wouldn't, but Kelly meant well.

''Thanks.'' Matt smiled, taking a small sip, putting it aside then.

''I am so sorr-''

''We knew it was coming.'' Matt just said somber.

''I know, but I hate to see you like this. Alright, I am going to make you some food. I know you are probably not hungry but you need to eat something.'' Kelly said as he kissed him on his forehead, walking towards the kitchen.

''No microwave chicken nuggets right?'' Matt mocked him, as Kelly was not great in the kitchen.

''Hey, those are pretty good.'' Kelly pointed at him with a smile, Matt smiling back now as well. Even though he felt really bad, he knew he would be okay as long as he had Kelly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another quick chapter, this time with a bit of time jump. I tried to get both parts of the chapter to mirror a bit and show the change, I hope that came out right! Thank you so much for reading and hopefully till next chapter!


	9. Cute head

Making a cup of tea of his husband, Kelly listened how Matt was throwing up again in the bedroom. Worried he made his way over with the tea, putting it on the nightstand as he caressed over Matt's back. Falling back on his pillow, Matt was sweating heavily and Kelly felt so bad for him.

Taking the bucket from him, he went to clean it, Matt catching his breath.

''You okay?'' Kelly checked, although he was pretty sure that Matt was not.

Matt nodded just a bit, worried that he was going to throw up again.

''Really?'' Kelly asked concerned as Matt was shivering.

''Cold.'' He admitted and Kelly went to grab the fleece blanket from the couch. Laying it over Matt, he kissed his husband on his forehead.

''Thanks for the tea.''

''Anything you need babe.'' Kelly said. Matt looked terrible after only four weeks on chemo. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked horrible. He had finished the first two rounds and would go back next week to start his third round.

''I am going to do some groceries, want me to get you anything?''

''Think I honestly want to move to the couch.'' Matt admitted and Kelly grabbed his arms and helped him up, walking to the couch with him and made sure he was comfortable, covering him with both the fleece blanket and the comforter from the bed.

''Still nothing from the supermarket?''

''Nah.''

''You need to eat something.''

''I will just throw it up again.''

''Still.''

Matt reached for the remote and switched on the tv, not wanting to continue this conversation. Knowing he should pick his battles with his husband and this was not one of them, Kelly left to the supermarket. Carrying the bags of food inside the house, Matt was asleep on the couch. Putting away the groceries and sorting out the mail, he was grateful for how many cards Matt had received. So many people wishing him well and wanting to support him. Not opening them, but saving them to cheer up Matt later on, he looked as his man laid asleep with the blanket nearly pulled over his head.

He started to prepare for lunch. He had looked up some recipes from different forums what other people recommended. Especially now that Matt had a lot of sores in his mouth, he didn't want to eat as much as he should. He had picked up a slow cooker and started to make a stew for tonight, as it was the only thing Matt wanted to eat.

He had just finished their lunch when Matt woke up. Kelly stood by him.

''I made some soup so it's easy to eat.''

''Easy to come back up as well.'' Matt sighed. He took Kelly's arm as his husband helped him up.

''So I will be going to shift tomorrow, but Christie and Violet are coming for lunch and dinner.'' Kelly told him, having arranged it while doing groceries.

''I can just stay alone.''

''Matt, look in what a bad shape you are. I am not just leaving you alone.'' Kelly told him as they sat down for lunch. Matt was just stirring in his soup.

''If they don't come over to check on you I am not going to work.'' Kelly warned him as he saw Casey's silent protect. He knew that he didn't want the help, but he was in no shape to stay on his own. Kelly had wanted to cancel his shift, but Matt had told him that he should go, because they needed to keeping paying their mortgage. Even though insurance was paying for Matt's treatment, they had suddenly lost most of their income.

''Fine.'' Matt groaned.

''Are you not excited to see them?'' Kelly asked a bit concerned.

''I don't want them to see me like this.'' Matt admitted.

''Matt-''

''It is stupid, I know, they are family.'' Matt sighed, finally starting to eat a bit of the soup. Kelly was so thoughtful with things he was preparing. In the past few weeks he had quickly risen to the challenge of having to cook healthy food, and he had done well so. Now he tried his best to make things that Matt could easily eat because of the sores in his mouth.

After lunch, Kelly hoped that Matt would feel up for a short walk outside. He was sure that the fresh air would do him well and he started to feel a bit cooped up being in the house all day.

''Maybe we can go for a short walk in the park?'' Kelly offered.

''Alright.'' Matt agreed with him. Changing his sweatpants for jeans and Kelly helped him get his jacket on. Before he could hand the beanie to him, worried he would be cold, Matt already pulled the hood from his hoodie over his head, self-conscious as he was losing his hair.

Walking slowly, they made the walk around the block and to the small park nearby. Kelly kept a close eye on Matt, but knew it was probably good for him to be outside for a bit. Even though Kelly hated leaving Matt alone tomorrow, he was excited to go to work. Them constantly being together was putting a strain on their relationship, and they both knew it was good to be apart for a day. Kelly had a bit of peace of mind that Christie and Violet would check up on him and spend time with him.

Suddenly Matt made his way over to a bin, throwing up the soup. Kelly quickly followed him, caressing over his back.

Making sure he was okay, Kelly couldn't help but laugh looking at the faces of a young boy looking in disgust.

''Come on, let's go home.'' Kelly told Matt and he nodded.

''Next time you should take the bucket.'' Kelly teased Matt for a bit.

''You are never going to live this down, are you?'' Matt smiled a bit, glad that they could still laugh together.

''Never.'' Kelly smiled, laying his arm around Matt as they were walking home.

At home he made sure Matt was comfortable again, listing to an audiobook in the bay window. Very soon, he noticed Matt was asleep, looking peaceful in the sunlight from the bay window. Looking at his husband, so in love with this sight of him, he just hoped things would get better for him. The fact that his chances were not great, was in the back of their mind all the time.

Later that night, Matt woke up in the middle of the night, throwing up again, Kelly waking up as well. It was just past midnight, and Kelly swapped on the lights. Matt sat up and Kelly looked at his pillow, large clumps of blonde hair left.

''Matt –'' Kelly said worried, pointing at the pillow. Looking back as well, Matt saw the large clumps of hair on his pillow and his eyes widened.

Running his hand through his hair, there was even more hair between his fingers then.

''I need to shave it off.'' Matt said hurt.

''You don't need to.'' Kelly said.

''But it is falling out.'' Matt decided as he got up. Looking in the mirror, there were some patches were his hair was fully gone now. Kelly looked upset as his husband walked to the bathroom and he heard Casey's electric shaver.

''It looks bad, doesn't it?'' Matt asked as he came walking back, his hair gone.

''No, you have a cute head.''

Casey sat down again on the bed, sobbing now, his hands over eyes. Kelly wanted to pull him in his arms but he pushed him away. Sobbing loudly, he didn't heard the shaver go on again he only looked up when Kelly said his name.

Surprised Matt looked up and saw Kelly's hair was gone as well.

''You didn't need to do that.'' Matt said, but he was smiling now.

''All I wanted to see was that smile.'' Kelly said as he sat down. ''It will grow back, just like yours.''

Sitting on the bed with Matt again, he laid his arms around him again, kissing him on top of his head and holding him close.

''Kelly you should go back to sleep, you need to go to work in a few hours.''

''I don't care if I am awake or tired, I just care about you.'' Kelly said as he held his husband close, holding him tight. Finally Matt started to cheer up a bit and he pulled away from Kelly smiling at him.

''Bald doesn't suit you.'' He joked to Kelly, really appreciating his efforts of making him feel better.

''Well shit, we can't all have a cute head.'' Kelly laughed. Sharing a kiss, Kelly held Matt close as he fell back asleep. They had a long way to go, but he would be here for him sickness and in health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next chapter. I hope you enjoyed this one, even though it had some sad moments as well. Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you thought and hopefully till next chapter!


	10. Inpatient

Kelly was watching the movie on their bed, but was worried since Matt had still not returned from the bathroom. Getting up, he saw Matt sitting on the floor beside the toilet, up against the wall and looking miserable.

''Baby, you haven't thrown up in almost half an hour.'' Kelly said concerned. ''Just come to bed.''

''I can't get up.'' Matt whispered. Careful, Kelly put his hand on Matt's back, the other under his knees and lifted him up. Laying against him, Matt wanted to object, but he didn't have the power. Kelly carried him back to bed and laid him down. Caressing over his back, he looked as Matt fell asleep again.

''Matt – I think we should go to the hospital.''

''Hmmm.'' Matt opened one eye. ''I feel fine.''

''You are not okay.''

''No, but that is not that weird.'' Matt assured him. Kelly pulled the blanket over him and looked as his husband was falling asleep.

In the middle of the night, Kelly woke up as he heard a loud bang. Sitting up and searching for the light with his hand. Finally he found the light, switching it on, seeing Matt lay on the ground next to the bed.

''Matt, are you okay?'' Kelly asked concerned, jumping from the bed as well.

''I need to go to the bathroom.'' Matt sulked, trying to sit up but feeling too poor. Kelly rushed around the bed, helping him sit up on the edge of the bed again. Matt's whole body was aching, and he was not sure if it was worse because the fall, but the pain had been there all day.

''Come on, I will help you to the bathroom.'' Kelly said, holding his arms as they walked slowly. Closing the door behind Matt, he walked to the kitchen to grab some water for the both of them.

Matt was sitting on the edge of the bed, when he returned.

''You okay?''

''Feel sick, hot – my mouth hurts.'' Matt summed it up as Kelly handed them the water.

''Alright, how about we call your oncologist tomorrow.'' Kelly said as he was getting more and more concerned about his husband.

''Maybe.''

''Get back in bed.'' Kelly kissed him on his head.

Tossing in turning through the night, neither Matt or Kelly got a lot of sleep. Every time Matt was almost asleep his stomach seemed to turn, and he woke up again.

Early in the morning, before Matt would have to go to the outpatient clinic to receive chemo, he called Matt's oncologist. After the rough evening and night, he was not so sure if Matt was even up for going to the clinic, but even more so, he was worried about Matt's wellbeing.

The oncologist immediately told him to take him to the hospital instead of the clinic, to see Matt and possibly keep him inpatient for the rest of his round. He asked if Matt was spiking a fever, but no sign so far.

''Come on Matt, we are going to the hospital.'' Kelly tugged his arm as Matt was only half awake.

''Why – clinic –''

''The oncologist wants to make sure you are okay.'' Kelly said lovingly as he helped Matt sit up and get dressed. Matt was shivering and Kelly grabbed an extra thick sweater, pulling the beanie over his head.

Matt was holding Kelly's arm as they walked towards the door but Matt was almost falling over again. Kelly was not sure if it was the lack of food he had eaten the last few days or that he felt horrible.

Before Matt could object, Kelly lifted him up in his arms again and carried him to the car. He was still angry Kelly had called his doctor without asking him first, but he felt too tired and sick to put up a fight. Sitting in the passenger seat, he looked as Kelly as picking up some more stuff.

''They might want to keep you inpatient for the rest of the cycle Matt.'' Kelly said as they started driving.

''Don't want to.''

''You don't have much of a choice.'' Kelly said, feeling very sorry. Even though the doctor had said maybe Matt would be able to go home after the treatment today, he knew damn well that Matt was in no shape to go home again.

Arriving at the hospital, the oncologist was immediately there to see him.

''How are you feeling?'' He asked concerned, kneeling down by Matt in one of the hospital wheelchairs as Kelly was worried he was going to fall.

''I am fine.'' Matt mumbled, but the oncologist looked up at Kelly, whom shook his head.

''Look, I think it's better if you finish your cycle here. Your temperature has been a bit high, although not too worrisome, but according it Kelly you had had a really rough few days, so we need to make sure you don't lose too many fluids and get dehydrated.''

Disappointed, Matt looked down at the floor as the oncologist told them what floor to go and they would make sure Matt got a room soon.

''Thanks for throwing me under the bus.'' Matt sighed as Kelly pushed the wheelchair to the elevator.

''I am just looking out for you.''

''I guess.''

Soon he was assigned a room and Kelly was putting some of his stuff away as Matt had fallen asleep in the bed. He was still receiving chemo through the central line. Kelly was worried that he would get even more dosed on him, but knew that he was in the best care now. Walking to the bed, he laid his hand on Matt's forehead, concerned. His temperature wasn't sky-high, but Kelly was still concerned as Matt could really not use a fever right now.

''How are you feeling?'' Kelly asked as Matt woke up.

''Not great.'' Matt admitted as Kelly helped him drink some water.

''See, it is for the best you went here.'' Kelly caressed his hand, kissing him on his cheek. Taking Matt's hand, Matt looked as Kelly was turning around his wedding ring around his finger.

''Getting a bit larger.'' Matt said as he was losing weight so quickly after 1,5 months on chemo.

''We can always get it resized.'' Kelly said as he turned the wedding ring around. ''But even better, we can fatten you up after all of this.''

''Sounds good, you have gotten a lot better at cooking.'' Matt smiled. Kelly looked curious as his phone started to ring in his pocket. He saw a call come in from Nancy Casey.

''Shit-''

''What is wrong?''

''Forget to tell your mom we are here.'' Kelly said as he took the call. Matt had invited her for when he was back from his treatment, but since he was in the hospital now, they had forgotten to tell her.

A while later, Nancy came walking into the room. Kelly left the room to give them some privacy, but was moved as he looked through the glass, Matt and Nancy sharing a hug. He was sure there was a lot of crap unspilled between them, but now Matt seemed just glad to have his mom here. With all the crap going on now, it just didn't seem to matter anymore what had happened in the past. She sat down on his bed, beside him, smiling and Kelly looked through the glass as they were talking.

Kelly was glad to see Matt and his mom reuniting. They had been in contact by phone, but his mom had not been able to drive out yet. Besides that, it took Matt a while to allow her to come see him. The last weeks had not been easy, even between the chemo's he felt so ill he barely was able to do much, or get much done.

A nurse came to swap the chemo for bags of fluid and Nancy came walking out of the room.

''Hey, figured I'd sit with you for a bit while Matt gets looked after. Congrats on your marriage, glad to have you as my son in law.'' Nancy said as she sat down beside him, laying her hand on his shoulder for a bit.

''Good to have you here, he was really excited to see you.'' Kelly smiled. Even though he also had never been Nancy's biggest fan, he was just glad

''You should come back into the room again next time.''

''I will.'' Kelly said, not sure what to say.

''How are you holding up Kelly?'' She asked concerned as she looked at him.

''As well as I possible, I think.'' Kelly smiled.

''He is lucky to have you by his side.'' Nancy rubbed over his shoulder, giving him a comforting smile.

Soon the nurse left Matt's room and they walked back inside. The bags of chemo medication had been changed for fluids and there was dinner in front of him, although he hadn't touched it yet.

''Gotta eat something, Matt.'' Kelly said as he sat down beside him, Nancy grabbing a chair as well, sitting down on the other side.

Matt looked miserable, tired and sick.

''Just nap a little, we will be right here.'' Kelly told him, kissing his hand.

''Kelly is right, you should get some rest.'' Nancy rubbed his other hand.

''Yeah.'' Matt said, dozing off with a smile on his face. Even though times were hard, and things were still not looking up, he felt loved and warm with these people by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I hope you enjoyed it. Hope you also like that Nancy showed up as she is planned to play a part in the story! hopefully till next chapter! x


	11. Stop

Kelly made his way to the hospital from his shift. He had wanted to take the shift off, but Matt had told him to go. Honestly there was not much he could do for Matt at the hospital, as Mat didn’t much more than sleep all day and Kelly was glad he did.

Matt had supposed to be able to go home last week to gain some strength before the next round of chemo. But he had been doing so bad the doctor had decided he would stay inpatient until and during the next round. Kelly hated not having him home, but knew it was better for Matt.

He spend the time he was not on shift in the hospital with Matt. Soon Matt started the other round of chemo.

He found Matt in the small lounge on the ward, sitting reading a magazine, an IV pole next to him, full with bags of fluid, the central line hanging out of his shirt, connected to it.  

‘’Went for a little walk?’’

‘’Yeah, felt fairly decent this morning.’’ Matt explained, putting the magazine aside. Sitting down beside his husband, Kelly kissed him.

‘’How was your shift?’’ Matt asked, looking tired.  

‘’It was alright, they all asked about you, said that when you got home maybe they could visit.’’

‘’Maybe.’’ Matt said.

‘’Want a hand getting back to your room.’’

‘’Yeah.’’

Taking the pole in one hand, Kelly’s arm with the other, they made their way back to his room. Tired, Matt sat down on the bed.

‘’I got you the cheesecake you really like.’’ Kelly said as he put the box on the small table on the bed, noticing Matt had barely touched his breakfast.

‘’Are you sure I can have it?’’ Matt asked a bit concerned.

‘’Yeah, I checked with a nurse.’’ Kelly said as he ripped open the carton.

Looking at the new York style cheesecake, Casey wasn’t sure if he could finish it, but he was grateful that Kelly had even taken it for him. Taking a few bites, he soon had to give up the fight and fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

A week later, Kelly finally got to take Matt home. He would have his next round of chemo in two weeks, delayed by a week as Matt wasn’t doing too well. His oxygen levels in his blood were low, and had a lot of problems with the side effects from the chemo. The sores in his mouth were getting worse, making it harder to eat. Besides that, he kept feeling sick, throwing up almost everything he managed to eat.

His oncologist had told him they could keep him in the hospital until his next round, but after getting more medication to help with the side effects, he wanted nothing more than to go home.

He had just gotten up the stairs to take a shower when the doorbell rang. Kelly walked downstairs, surprised to see their neighbor. He had talked with her shortly, about Matt coming home today and how things were going.  

‘’I made you some casserole.’’ She handed it over to Kelly.

‘’Thanks, that is really thoughtful.’’

‘’Let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.’’ She smiled friendly. Thanking her again, Kelly walked back inside. Hearing the shower upstairs, he walked up the stairs. Kelly walked into their bedroom, Matt sitting on the edge of the bed.

‘’You okay?’’

‘’Just waiting for the shower to warm up.’’

‘’Neighbor brought us some dinner.’’

‘’That is really nice.’’ Matt smiled just a bit.

‘’Matt?’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Nothing.’’ Kelly just said. ‘’Go shower.’’

Leaving the bedroom, Kelly gave Matt some privacy as he was showering, instead putting the casserole in the oven. Matt came downstairs a while later, dressed in his joggers, a sweater and the 81 beanie he had been inseparable with since losing his hair.

He ate a few bites from the casserole, settling on the couch then. Kelly knew that he had to go to the supermarket tonight, to get breakfast for tomorrow.

 He wanted to ask Matt if he wanted to come with him but Matt was laying on the couch, looking tired as he curled up under a blanket.

‘’I have to go to the supermarket, Matt.’’ Kelly said, sitting down by him and kissing him on his head.

‘’I will be back in an hour, okay?’’

‘’Yeah, I am just going to nap.’’ Matt yawned. Kelly left to go shopping, looking as Matt was asleep on the couch right before he left.

Sitting in the car, he tried to think of all the groceries they needed. He felt a bit guilty about leaving Matt alone, even for a short while. But he had to do the shopping, especially to make sure they had stuff in the house for breakfast tomorrow. Besides that, it was also nice to be on his own for a little bit, as he had been around Matt all this time.

An hour later, he had picked up all the groceries, walking up the steps.

As Kelly came walking in, Matt was still on the couch, curled up. Covered in a blanket and with a beanie pulled over his head, he thought his husband looked adorable. Worried though, he noticed the vomit around his mouth and scared he shook his shoulder.

‘’Matt?’’

‘’What?’’

So relieved he woke up, Kelly looked at the blanket and his shirt.

Looking down as well, Matt felt so embarrassed as tears filled his eyes.

‘’I feel really bad.’’ He admitted, Kelly kissing him on his forehead.

Matt was crying as Kelly lifted him up, carrying him to bed.

‘’I am sorry.’’ Matt mumbled.

‘’It is okay Matt, let’s get you cleaned up.’’ Kelly said as he helped Matt get undressed. His arms around Kelly’s neck, Matt started to sob now.

‘’Matt, it is fine. You are going to be okay.’’ Kelly caressed over his back.

‘’I don’t want to do the chemo anymore.’’ Matt sobbed, his face in Kelly’s neck.

‘’Matt-‘’

‘’I don’t think I can do it anymore…’’ Matt was chocking, Kelly was still holding him close. He had seen his husband deteriorate, becoming sicker and sicker, and now he was at a breaking point. Kelly’s eyes started to tear up as well.

‘’I want to stop treatment Kelly – I am only getting worse…and it doesn’t feel like living anymore.’’ Matt cried as Kelly felt the tears stream down his neck. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he held Matt close.

‘’Matt…you can’t stop the treatment.’’ Kelly finally managed to say.

‘’I want to.’’ Matt sobbed.

‘’I can’t lose you Matt, you can’t stop the treatment.’’ Kelly said worried he meant it. Holding him close, he was so scared about losing his husband, his love, his Matt.

‘’I can’t do it anymore Kel.’’ Matt was sobbing.

‘’You can, you are the strongest person I know – and I can’t live without you. I need you to get better Matt.’’ Kelly said, caressing him over his head, his back.

‘’The last few months….I just felt like I have been barely hanging on…and the only thing you have been doing is cleaning up my puke and I have been a shit husband.’’ Matt cried.

‘’Matt – you have not been a shit husband. You have been sick…and I am so sorry this is happening to you. I need you to be okay though – I am not going to be okay without you.’’ Kelly said. Matt finally let go of him, looking at him, his face red and his cheeks wet from the tears. Kelly laid his hands on his cheeks, caressing, wiping the tears away.

‘’Matt, you are so strong, and I am so proud of you. I need you to be okay.’’ Kelly said. ‘’Please don’t stop the treatment.’’

Finally Matt nodded just a bit.

‘’I don’t really have a choice, do I.’’ He said with a wry smile. ‘’I am not ready to say goodbye to you.’’

‘’You won’t have to, you are going to be okay.’’ Kelly promised him again.

‘’Kelly, you know my odds aren’t great.’’ Matt sighed.

‘’It aint over until the fat lady sings – and I don’t hear her singing.’’

Matt chuckled for a second, Kelly glad he could finally put a smile on his face.

‘’Need a hand getting in the shower?’’

‘’Yeah.’’ Matt said, holding Kelly’s arm as they walked to the bathroom. Matt sat down in the shower as he was too tired to stand, Kelly got undressed as well, sitting beside Matt. Sitting under the streaming water, Kelly laid his arm around Matt.

Even though Matt still felt horrible, he felt so glad that he had Kelly with him, in sickness and in health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! Sorry this story has not been updated in a while. I try to upload my stories equally often but sometimes I just don't seem to get any inspiration for a chapter. I hope you liked this one and please let me know what you thought! Thanks!


	12. The Gala

Almost ready to go to the CFD medal gala and dinner, Kelly made sure Matt’s uniform was as crinkle free as could be, his husband sitting on the bed, watching his every move with the iron.

Kelly had told him he didn’t need to go, but the last thing he wanted was to miss out on this. His uniform hung around him, too big now that he had lost so much weight.

‘’Guess I can’t wear my beanie to the gala.’’ Matt said softly, trying to smile it off.

‘’You can wear the dress hat, first person to say something about wearing it inside better be ready to fight me.’’ Kelly said with a wink. Matt wanted to reach for it, but had no power to grab it. Kelly grabbed it instead, pulling it over his head. He thought his husband looked bad, with the uniform hanging around him awkwardly. Matt noticed it in his eyes as well.

‘’I look terrible.’’

‘’How about I grab some safety pins and try and get the suit to fit a bit better.’’

Matt nodded slowly, Kelly doing the best he could. It look a little bit better, and Matt seemed to get some of confidence back. His face was sunken and his blue eyes missed all of the spark that had been there before.

‘’Gimme a hand?’’ Matt asked as he tried to get up from the edge of the bed. Kelly held him as he got up, making the few labored steps to the wheelchair they had rented.

‘’Let me know if you don’t want to stay, we can just go home, I don’t care about the stupid medal.’’ Kelly told him again, as he had the past few days.

‘’Sure.’’ Matt just nodded a bit. ‘’But could really use a day away from all the cancer crap.’’  

‘’Alright, so we will go to the hotel room, drop our stuff, go to the ceremony, go back to the hotel room so you can nap and go for dinner-‘’

‘’We have been going over this for days, it will be fine.’’ Matt said softly.

‘’Alright.’’

Pushing the wheelchair out of the spare bedroom – they had been sleeping there for the past few days as Matt no longer was able to get up and down the stairs to their own – Kelly picked up their bags and they made their way outside, the neighbors looking as they made their way to the car.

‘’Another trip to the hospital?’’ The woman asked concerned.

‘’Actually got a party tonight, packed my dancing shoes.’’ Matt joked.

‘’Alright, enjoy.’’

‘’Your dancing shoes, hmm?’’ Kelly teased him as they got in the car.

In the hotel room, they dropped off their stuff and made their way back downstairs. Sharing a kiss in the elevator, Kelly noticed Matt was nervous, probably to face the whole CFD. Luckily they were just in time of the ceremony, Herrmann having kept spots free for them, pulling one of the chair aside for Matt’s wheelchair without minding the people looking at him.

Kelly was one of the last to receive his medal, but when he looked back at the crowd he was glad to see Matt was looking excited, clapping together with Herrmann. Sitting down beside him again, Matt grabbed his hand and pinched it, smiling proud.

The medals were given out now, and Kelly was in no way ready for what was to come. The in memoriam segment started. While he always chocked up, his heart started to beat faster and faster. Looking between the stage and his husband, looking to be on deaths doorstep, he started to feel worse and worse, thinking about how Matt’s picture could be on the stage next year.

He was even wearing his uniform, the suit he had told Kelly recently he wanted to be buried in when he died.

Not being able to sit down any longer, he jumped up, climbing over Matt towards the aisle and rushing out of the hall.

Tears filled his eyes and breathing heavily he made his way to the restrooms, splashing some water in his face, trying to get himself together. But the more he tried to get himself together, the more he broke down. Thinking of the ceremony next year, him having to look at Matt’s portrait coming by in the in memoriam segment.

Kelly’s wasn’t sure how long he had been crying under the sink before he heard the door open, footsteps coming closer, Herrmann looking at him, kneeling down by him.

‘’You okay?’’

‘’No.’’ Kelly sighed, Herrmann grabbing him some paper towels from the dispenser.

‘’How is Matt?’’ Kelly asked concerned before taking them.

‘’He’s fine, he slept through most of the ceremony after you left honestly.’’ Herrmann chuckled. ‘’Wish I could’ve done that.’’

‘’Where is he?’’

‘’Brought him to your room, sorted out his meds with him and he is taking a nap. Asked him if somebody should stay with him, but he told me to look for you instead.’’ Herrmann said as he knelt down by Kelly.

‘’Need to get myself together.’’ Kelly mumbled to himself, wiping the tears with another napkin.

‘’You are doing fine, considering.’’

 ‘’Couldn’t stop thinking how likely it seems Matt will be in that damn segment next year – seeing him in the uniform as well – really hit me. He told me he wants to be buried in the uniform, since we don’t have any wedding suits getting married in our old jeans. Fuck, he really said that, he must really think he is going to be gone soon.’’

‘’I understand that’s scary, but he is tough one, he’ll be here next year again next to you. I am sure.’’ Herrmann said as he scooted next to Kelly.

‘’He wants to stop treatment. He hasn’t stopped yet, but he brings it up more and more often.’’ Kelly admitted. ‘’I can’t blame him, it’s a hell to get through – for me even, and I am not the sick one!’’

‘’But you are being the best husband you can be. You are amazing for him. He is lucky to have you and in no world will he give up the chance on a long happy life with you.’’

The door burst open.

‘’Hey can’t you read the out of order sign!’’ Herrmann barked at the startled firefighter, whom hurried away.

Kelly couldn’t help but laugh now.

‘’I should head back to Matt.’’ Kelly smiled. ‘’Thanks for your kind words.’’

‘’Anytime, see you at dinner. If Matt doesn’t feel well enough, let me know, I’ll send something up for you.’’

Parting ways, Kelly made his way to the floor he and Matt were staying. He knocked on the door softly not to startle his husband, but walking inside the room Matt was fast asleep on the bed. He took the throw from the couch near the window of the hotel room and draped it over him.

Matt woke up not too long before dinner and Kelly helped him tidy up.

‘’Where did you go during the ceremony?’’ Matt finally asked as Kelly was straightening his jacket.

‘’Needed a shit – real bad.’’ Kelly deadpanned.

Matt chuckled. ‘’When nature calls-‘’

‘’Yeah.’’ Kelly interrupted him, not wanting to talk about it any longer.

‘’Kel, I know you freaked the hell out. I am going to be on that stage next year, but not just a picture, it’s going to be me, taking my medal for being in the CFD 15 years, I promise.’’ Matt pricked right through his façade.

‘’Well you better not give up treatment then.’’ Kelly spilled his worries.

‘’I haven’t.’’ Matt said. ‘’Not planning on it. Not planning on dying either.’’

Sitting down on his lap carefully, Matt and Kelly shared a kiss. Going down to the restaurant, they got a table with Boden, the chaplain, Herrmann and some others from the firehouse.  

‘’It’s really good to see you here.’’ Boden smiled, hugging Matt carefully, not really minding the people looking at them.

Soon they were at the table, Kelly in a heated discussion with Cruz about some sports game Matt had missed out on because he had fallen asleep before the opening.

‘’The blackhawks were sure to win!’’

‘’They lost the first half, they literally just scored enough points to pull their asses out of losing!’’

Even though the last few months had bene hard, he felt really happy being here.

Matt’s food mostly went untouched, but he had a smile on his face as he listened to the talks at the table.

Kelly was so glad to see him smile as well.

They called a night quite early, Matt no long being able to keep his eyes open and his attention to the table, and the few bites he had taken throughout  the evening were coming back up. Kelly helped him into the bath tub after taking care of the later.

‘’You okay with starting radiation next we-‘’

‘’One day without the cancer crap, remember.’’ Matt shut him up, Kelly joining him in the large tub, wrapping his arms around him.

‘’Well you still need to decide where we will be going on our anniversary holiday next year.’’

‘’that’s still half a year away.’’ Matt groaned.

‘’Come on, I have had some champagne, and I want to talk cheesy stuff.’’ Kelly pressed his nose against his cheek.

‘’Fine! Okay, ehm – some cabin somewhere. Where we can go fishing – and walk around naked half the day.’’

Both of them chuckled, holding each other close. Kelly looked concerned then as Matt’s laughing changed into crying halfway through.

‘’What is wrong?’’

‘’I wanted no cancer crap but even I can’t stop thinking about the fact I’ll be lucky to make it to our anniversary.’’

Holding him still close, Kelly couldn’t help but letting some of the tears go as well.

‘’Just part of our lives now.’’ Kelly said softly. ‘’But we are going to have many more anniversary’s.’’

‘’I am not stopping treatment, but I was thinking about it really, almost decided for it. Just feel life slipping away and I figured it might be easier if we know when to expect it.’’

‘’Matt-‘’

‘’Kel – if it comes to it, I want you to have a happy life without me. Surgery is not even on the table yet, and I am losing more and more of myself every day.’’

‘’No, I am taking that ass of you, all of you, minus the tumors to a cabin in half a year, and we are going to have a great time.’’ Kelly promised him.

‘’Alright.’’ Matt just nodded then. ‘’Guess I should be like the Blackhawks, may have lost the first half but can still pull my ass into the points.’’

‘’You didn’t see that match, you were snoring all through it.’’ Kelly teasingly mocked Matt.

‘’I listened to your discussion with Cruz.’’

‘’Touché.’’

‘’kelly, I love you.’’

‘’I love you too.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update today as I will be busy the next few days, but tons of inspiration today! Hope you liked this chapter! I am personally very proud of it. i hope you did like it too and please let me know what you thought! Thank you so much for reading!


	13. Reunion

Three days after the gala, Matt had been admitted to the hospital again. Kelly had hoped that if Matt had felt good enough they could have gone somewhere today and do something fun before starting his next chemo, but Matt had been feeling so ill in the morning Kelly had called his doctor.

Due to his low weight and low oxygen levels, he had had to stay after what should’ve just been a checkup.

Even though Kelly at first had thought it was just precautionary, now that Matt was in a hospital bad again with an oxygen mask on his face and a feeding tube down his nose, he was scared for what was going to come.

He hoped that now they were feeding him extra through the tube, it would be enough to get his weight and his spirits back up.

His hands were boney and Kelly had taken the wedding band from his hand, worried it would slip off and they would lose it. Instead it was at home now, save in Matt’s nightstand. Kelly had tried to fit it around his own hand to keep it save but it didn’t even fit around his pinky. It had given Matt a laugh and he had lovingly nicknamed Kelly’s hands massive flippers.

It gave them a short laugh in the bleak situation they were in.

Laying in the mountain of pillows and the blankets from home Kelly had taken, Kelly thought he looked so frail he was worried anything was going to break him. Sitting down, he took is hand, kissing him on his forehead.

‘’You know what I did today before coming here?’’ Kelly asked, hoping to bring a smile on his face.

Matt shook his head just a bit, Kelly pinching his hand.

‘’Moved the stuff from our bedroom downstairs and the spare bedroom upstairs, so we can sleep in our own bed and bedroom when you get home.’’ Kelly spoke softly, kissing Matt on his forehead. His eyes were falling shut again, dozing off.

Kelly was still holding his hand. Even though he had tried his best doing this for Matt, he was scared he might never get to take him home with the state he was in.  He had already been in here for five days. He had not gotten worse, but Kelly wasn’t sure if he was going better either.

Christie and Violet came by as well. Even though Kelly didn’t want to be dramatic, he did tell Christie what a bad shape Matt was in and she hadn’t doubted about coming by. Even though she had wanted to come by sometime before, Matt had always denied her as he didn’t want his family to see him this sick, but now he was in no state to object.

They had postponed his chemo with another week and Kelly walked through the hospital corridors as he was waiting for Matt to come back from a scan. He know this scan was going to be a big decider. If it was bad and Matt was still not anywhere near ready for the surgery, there was a large chance they would soon need to stop treatment.

‘’Kelly?’’

Turning around in the hallway, he was very surprised to see the blonde at the end of the hallway.

‘’Heather!?’’  

Walking towards the woman he had not seen in three years, he hugged her.

‘’What are you doing in Chicago?’’ He smiled, getting a good look at Heather Darden. She hadn’t changed much, although the Florida sun had done her well. She looked happier though, and Kelly hoped she was doing well all these years after losing Andy.

‘’visiting some family – we wanted to tell you but you know –‘’

‘’It’s fine, it is amazing to see you – what are you doing here though?’’

‘’Ben and Griffin wanted to see the firehouse – they asked about Matt and they told us you guys would be here. Figured I’d come alone first while they are catching up with their cousins.’’ She explained; ‘’Is Matt okay?’’

‘’Not really.’’ Kelly admitted.

 

* * *

 

An hour later, they were in Matt’s hospital room. Matt was excited to see Heather again, although he wished it was under different circumstances.

‘’Gosh Matt.’’

‘’It’s okay, I’ll be fine.’’ Matt smiled just a bit, Heather holding his hand and smiling. Drying her tears, she smiled for a little bit. Even though so much had changed since Andy’s death, it was a sweet thought Matt and Kelly were so happy with each other.

‘’Why didn’t you tell us you were coming over?’’ Matt wondered then.

‘’I ehm – I met another man. We are getting married in the summer.’’ She admitted. She looked a bit nervous, scared for the men’s reaction.

‘’You happy? Ben and Griffin like him?’’ Matt enquired after a few seconds of  silence.

‘’He is great with them. I am happy.’’

‘’Then I am really happy for you too.’’ Matt smiled just a bit. Kelly caught up to grab some coffee for him and Heather, giving the two sometime alone.

‘’You really not mad about – about the fiancé?’’

‘’Andy would wanna see you happy, so do I. I am not the person to decide if you are allowed to be happy.’’ Matt said with a small smile.

‘’Thank you.’’

‘’When I die, I hope Kelly gets to find someone new too and be happy again.’’ Matt spoke softly.

‘’Matt-‘’

‘’Sorry, it is starting to feel more like a when than an if.’’ Matt admitted, trying to sit up a bit. Before Heather could reply, the door banged open and Kelly came marching in with a teenage boy under each arm, teasingly holding their heads under his arms.

‘’look whom I found on the hallway.’’

The boys finally pulled free from Kelly’s arms and Matt laughed, so happy to see them. Griffin, now 17, was the spitting image of his dad. Tall, burly and the same mischievous smile. Ben, 15, looked more like heather, although he was the same lanky tall teenager Andy had been. The earliest that Kelly remembered Andy. Griffin was the first to approach the bed and carefully they shared a hug.

‘’You look like the spitting image of your dad.’’ Matt told Griffin, smiling and so proud to see both of them grown up. Ben joined in now as well and Matt felt so great seeing the boys again.

Matt shone, looking at the boys and he thought of the time he had looked after them. Now they were almost men.

After a while, Heather and the boys left. They promised that they would meet up again before they would go back to Florida. They hoped at Matt and Kelly’s home for a nice dinner, but they all knew it was most likely they would visit here again.

Looking as they left, Kelly closed the door and sat down with Matt, whom was wiped out after the visit.

‘’I wonder if we would have ever had a kid if he would’ve looked like me like that.’’ Matt said, dozing off.

‘’Matt- there is going to be a kid for us, you are going to be okay!’’ Kelly said angry, upset as Matt opened his eyes just a bit.

‘’Doesn’t feel like it.’’

‘’You can’t give up.’’

‘’I am not, I am just really tired.’’ Matt admitted.

‘’Your hair is growing back a bit.’’ Kelly smiled as he ran his hand over his head.

‘’Cause my body can’t take the chemicals anymore. It’s not a positive.’’ Matt said softly. He felt that know that his chemo was being pushed back, he would soon have to give up the fight.

‘’Who knows, maybe the scan will give us good news tomorrow.’’ Kelly tried to lift his spirit and Matt nodded just a bit. He wanted to believe, but everything was hitting him hard now, and even though he tried to be positive, he felt that even though he didn’t want to, he would have to leave Kelly alone sooner than he ever planned to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter done, i hope you enjoyed this one as I really enjoyed writing it! Loved bringing back this old character and I hope seeing her back too! Please let me know what you thought and hopefully till next chapter!


	14. Results

Kelly was holding Matt’s hand as they were waiting for Matt’s oncologist to come tell them about the scans. Kelly had not slept through the night, scared for what was going to come. Matt had slept, but only because he was so tired.

The door finally opened but it wasn’t the oncologist, it was a nurse to fill up the pump the feeding tube was attached too. Matt looked upset.

‘’He will be here soon.’’ Kelly said as he laid his hand Matt’s arm.

‘’Yeah, guess it is good he stays away if it is bad news.’’ Matt said softly.

‘’It will be good news.’’ Kelly promised him. He noticed Matt swallowing heavily, almost like he was going to throw up.

‘’Need the basin.’’

‘’Not gonna throw up.’’ Matt mumbled. He tried to keep it in, knowing that he needed the little food and the supplements through the feeding tube.

‘’Alright, let me know if I can get you anything.’’ Kelly said worried, Matt’s face turning paler and paler.

‘’Just really nervous.’’

‘’Me too.’’ Kelly kissed his hand, Matt closing his eyes for a second. Luckily the door opened then, the doctor walking in, holding papers and scans.

‘’The scans shows that the tumors have shrunk.’’ The oncologist no longer kept them in tension. ‘’I know you were supposed to do one more round of chemo, but given the state you are in we want to start radiation instead as soon as possible. If we can bring the tumors down a bit more, we can get you ready for the surgery.’’

Matt sighed relieved, Kelly letting go of his hand to dry his tears. He had tried not to cry, but he had been so scared. Now the news was good, and even though nothing was sure, there was some hope again for the future.

Tiredly, barely understanding what was going on, Matt looked as the oncologist showed the scans, Kelly nodding eagerly as they looked at the white spots on the scan. Comparing it to the first, he did see a different, but it made him hopeless how much was still left.

‘’When we can do the surgery, we will remove about half your lung.’’

‘’And it will make me better?’’ Matt asked concerned, really not sure what to think anymore. He felt too sick to think, and too tired to even worry about it.

‘’It will remove all of the tumors. As long as the cancer hasn’t spread, the surgery should remove all of it, and you will be in remission.’’

Kelly pinched his hand again.

Soon the oncologist left them on their own, Kelly looked excited as Matt.

‘’You are going to be okay!’’

The words didn’t reach Matt as he had already fallen asleep again.

 

Matt smiled as Kelly pushed the wheelchair through the doors of their home. It felt so great to be here after the rough week they had had. Even though he still felt horrible, he was just glad to be home.

In two days he would need to go back to the hospital as the oncologist wanted to see how he was doing, as well as see if they could remove the feeding tube and start setting up for radiation. He hated the feeling of the tube being taped to his cheek, but he didn’t want to remove it only for it to have to be placed back again.

‘’Couch?’’

‘’Window.’’ Matt smiled. After having been in a hospital room for a week, he loved to look out at the street. He didn’t feel up for going outside and since it was cold, he knew Kelly wouldn’t let him anyway. In the bedroom, Kelly showed him about all their stuff he had moved down. Matt wanted to be upset about the fact this had to be done cause he was no longer able to get up the stairs but thought it was really sweet of Kelly and let it slide.

Helping Matt sit in the bay window, Kelly went to grab them both something to drink, also taking the gift he had gotten for Matt.

‘’Got this for you.’’

Curious Matt opened it, finding a silver chain with his wedding band around it.

‘’Don’t need to worry about losing it now.’’ Kelly told Matt as he looked at it with a smile.

‘’Thanks, I love it.’’ Matt smiled, Kelly hanging it around his neck carefully with the end of the feeding tube that was dangling behind his ear.

Matt looking down, smiling at the ring around his neck. He had hated not wearing it as he felt he was naked without it.

A while later, while making dinner for him, Matt and Heather in the boys whom would be here soon, Kelly looked as Matt was asleep in the bay window again. Kelly grabbed one of the big woolen rugs from the couch, draping it over him. Matt didn’t wake, too tired and sick to lift his eyelids.

In the light, Kelly thought back to how he had looked at Matt like this as well a few months ago. So much had changed, he had lost his hair, although ab it of blonde fuzz was growing from his head again. He was skinny, his face pale and his eyes sunken. Honestly, Kelly thought he looked barely anything like the man he had married half a year ago. 

But he still loved him so much. 

Sitting down by the table, Kelly took out the folder to take care of their finances. Even though they were in no way in big trouble, he was getting concerned as they hadn’t been able to save any money and knew that their savings would instead run out someday.

Insurance covered Matt’s treatment and his missed shifts, but Kelly’s shifts weren’t covered. As Matt has been this ill, he hadn’t worked in almost two months.

Heather and the boys arrived, knowing they were not staying long as they were flying back to Florida early in the morning but Matt was excited for seeing them again. Their last visit had really lifted his spirits and he could use a pick me up right about now. They had dinner at the table, Kelly keeping a close eye on Matt eating. He gave up after a few bites, but Kelly decided not to mention it, worried that it would ruin the visit. Sitting down on the couch then, heather and Kelly talked a bit about the old times with the boys, the boys laughing at the stories.

Looking aside, Matt had fallen asleep in the corner of the couch. Heather and the boys sooon got ready to leave so Matt could go to bed. 

‘’Hopefully he will be in better shape next time.’’ Kelly just said, feeling bad. For a second they thought of waking him up so that Matt could say his goodbyes to Heather and the boys as they were leaving tomorrow, but decided to leave him.

At the door, Heather hugged Kelly.

‘’Take care Kelly – of him, but also of yourself.’’

‘’Thanks, hopefully it will finally be a bad memory in a few months.’’

Matt came walking up to the door now behind Kelly.

‘’Sit down Matt.’’ Kelly said worried but Matt shook his head, hugging Heather and saying goodbye to the boys. He almost fell over, Kelly grabbing him just in time.

His arms around Kelly, Kelly helped him to the bedroom, sitting him down on the edge of the bed. It was odd to see their bedroom downstairs. Matt was really happy he did it though. As he was in no way able to get up the stairs, he was glad Kelly had done this as he was looking forward to sleeping in his own bed.

‘’Kel.’’ Matt softly said his name, Kelly rushing to his side.

‘’What is wrong?’’

‘’I am really happy I can probably have the surgery.’’ Matt mumbled, Kelly kneeling down by him and laying his hand on his cheek.

‘’Me too, see, everything is going to be okay.’’

‘’I hope so – I am really scared.’’ He admitted, Kelly sitting down beside him then.

‘’Me too.’’ Kelly admitted, taking his hand. Looking at his husband, looking so sick. He wanted to stay hopeful, but it was even hard for him. Holding each other close, both of them were scared being positive about the future, even though both of them wanted to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you thought!


	15. Got Nuked

He had had his first 3 days of radiation the past 3 days with just today and tomorrow left for this week. He would get four weeks in total as his oncologist thought it would be enough to shrunk the tumors enough for the surgery.

Laying still, he listened to the noises of the machines. The right side of his chest was feeling warm, knowing it was the radiation was aimed at as his right lung was where the tumors were located.

He felt so tired, feeling his body was still being ravaged. He tried to be positive, for Kelly. He saw his husband struggle more every day, and he wanted to do better for Kelly as he was not sure how much his husband could take.

Soon he was done with the treatment and in the changing room, Kelly came to help him with his shirt.

‘’Thanks.’’ Matt smiled. Even though he could have done it himself, he was glad Kelly was helping him out as it helped him save his energy. Putting the mask over his face as Matt was worried to be sick – it was something that he truly could not have happen right now – and they made their way to the car.

‘’Want to visit the firehouse when we drive by?’’

Matt wanted to refuse first, feeling tired and ill, but knew it would be good for Kelly as well to be anywhere that was not their house or the hospital.

‘’Let’s go to the firehouse.’’ Matt nodded. Kelly drove towards the firehouse, parking the car close by. Helping Matt out of the car, Kelly got the wheelchair for him. Matt wanted to walk to the firehouse for a second, not wanting to show how weak he still was. But he knew even the slight incline was going to be too much for him.

Kelly was pushing the wheelchair inside, everybody looking a bit surprised.

‘’Hey everybody.’’ Matt smiled as Herrmann was the first to spot him and Kelly, everybody looking excited.

‘’How are you feeling?’’ Boden asked concerned.

‘’Decent, really decent.’’ Matt admitted. He didn’t feel any better than with the chemo, but he wanted to and that was enough for him right now.

‘’Coming from the hospital?’’ Herrmann enquired as they all swarmed around him.

‘’Got nuked.’’ Matt said dryly and some laughed, some not sure how to react to it.

‘’Surgery still up?’’ Otis asked. He was sure he was not the only one, but a lot of them thought Matt looked so sick and ill, none of them were sure he would make it through the surgery.

‘’Yeah, in two months hopefully.’’ Matt said, not sure even himself. Kelly pinched his shoulder, hoping for the same.

 

* * *

 

Kelly walked into their townhouse just a few days later, having gone of the supermarket to get some groceries. He was surprised Matt was not sitting in the bay window as he usually did.

He knew Matt was doing much worse than he let on. He heard him moan through the night, throw up and it had been like that for days. Every time he asked though, Matt said he was doing fine.

‘’I am home.’’ Kelly yelled as he walked inside the home, carrying all the grocery bags. A bit surprised he listen to the laughing from the living room. Walking through to the kitchen and looking into the living room, he smiled as Violet was sitting beside Matt on the couch and they were chatting.

‘’Hey Violet!’’ Kelly greeted her and she smiled.

‘’Hi Kelly.’’

‘’Violet asked if I could help her with her homework.’’ Matt explained.

‘’And she asked you?’’ Kelly teased Matt, Violet laughing.

‘’Hey, I was good at math.’’ Matt told Kelly.

‘’Doesn’t like you have been doing an awful lot of homework.’’ Kelly joked as he looked at the candy and cookie wrappers on the table and the TV being on.

‘’We are still going to do it.’’ Matt assured him, Violet laughing, sneezing right after. Looking worried, Kelly looked at her, but Matt did not flinch. Soon they moved to the table to work on the homework Matt was helping her with. In the kitchen, putting away the groceries, Kelly heard her sneeze a couple more times. For a second he thought about saying something, but seeing how happy Matt was Violet was here, he did not want to ruin it for him.

Violet left just before dinner and as soon as she was out of the door, Matt looked surprised at Kelly wiping down the table with cleaning wipes.

‘’Kel-‘’

‘’Violet had a cold, and you thought that was fine?’’

‘’Yeah, I thought it was fine, it is just a cold.’’ Matt said as he wanted to grab the remote, back on the couch now, looking as Kelly was freaking out, wiping down everything.

‘’Matt – you know you can’t have people over when they are sick. Your immune system is down the shitter – can’t have you get sick.’’ Kelly said worried.

‘’It’s Violet.’’

‘’Could’ve been the queen of England Matt – I am not losing you to some simple virus ravaging your body!’’ Kelly said upset.

‘’I didn’t want to upset her, or send her away, I feel fine Kel.’’ Matt said as he got up from the couch, walking to the kitchen to grab some more water.

‘’I know you want Violet over and it makes you feel a lot better, but I am just worried about you.’’ Kelly admitted, feeling bad since he understood Matt wanted his niece here and it probably made him feel a lot better. Walking towards his husband, he took his hand.

‘’I know, I know.’’ Matt finally admitted.

‘’Alright, you feel ready for dinner?’’ Kelly kissed him on top of his head, really happy that Matt felt like having Violet over and helping her, even though she could’ve infected him.

‘’Yeah. ‘’

Making dinner together, they sat down for dinner, Kelly looking at Matt. His hair was slowly growing back now and even though it was still short, Kelly kept joking it might grow back with curls, as it was something the doctor had warned about.

Laying down on the couch after dinner, Kelly wanted to snuggle with him.

‘’Ouch Kel!’’ Matt told him as Kelly wanted to lay against him and Kelly pulled his shirt up. Looking worried at the blisters on the side of the his body, Kelly looked in shock.

‘’Matt-‘’

‘’Just some skin irritation.’’

‘’Matt this is not right.’’ Kelly said worried as he looked as the large patches of skin that looked burned, tarred and blistered.

‘’Doctor said it was expected.’’ Matt said, wanting to pull his shirt down again. He finally succeeded, Kelly no longer getting a look at the burned, red skin over his almost exposed ribs.

‘’Radiation, right.’’ Matt tried to laugh it off nervously, tears filling his eyes.

‘’What is wrong babe?’’ Kelly asked.

‘’It really hurts – and the radiation therapy is just as bad as the chemo. I still feel bad.’’ Matt admitted. Kelly wrapped his arms around Matt, pulling his head against his chest as Matt was starting to cry.

‘’I am taking you to the ER, you should not be in pain.’’ He told him and kissing Matt on his head, he grabbed some stuff as Matt walked to the car. Driving to the hospital, Matt was still crying.

‘’You should have told me about the burns, and that you weren’t feeling well.’’ Kelly said, not wanting to blame Matt for not telling him, but upset it seemed Matt felt like he could not do that.

‘’I just – Kelly you haven’t been taking it all well and I was worried it would worry you so much again.’’ Matt admitted.

‘’I am your husband, you can tell me these things.’’

‘’I know, I know. I am sorry.’’

‘’Don’t be sorry, we just need to get you better.’’ Kelly said, looking aside at Matt. He was concerned, knew that if the radiation did not work out, there was a big chance Matt would never get better.

At the ER, Kelly signed them in. Luckily Matt did not have to wait, being taken to one of the bays straight away. Kelly looked as some cooling packs were laid on the burns, Matt being told his doctor was working as well and he would come see him soon.

Soon he was in a bed in the room he had been in before a few times in the oncology ward. Receiving fluids and painkillers, Kelly looked as he laid on his left side, his right side up and still covered with the ice packs.

‘’You are going to stop radiation babe, can’t have you feeling like this and being in pain.’’ Kelly said softly, knowing that what he was saying he might really lose his husband, but he felt horrible seeing him in so much pain.

‘’I am going to have to though, because I want to get better.’’ Matt said, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Kelly caressed the side of his face, looking up as his oncologist came walking into the room.

‘’Hey Matt, sorry to see you here again.’’ He greeted him, Matt not really saying anything, thinking about what Kelly had said, that Kelly was ready for him to stop treatment.

But he wasn’t.

‘’What’s the plan doc.’’ Matt asked, tired. He wasn’t ready for the answer, tired of the treatments, the hassle, the pain. But he wasn’t ready to say goodbye to his family, his friends and most importantly; his husband.

‘’We will do a CT-scan tomorrow and I am going to meet up with a team and we are going to discuss the course of treatment now. We will find something Matt.’’

‘’I hope so.’’ Matt said softly, the oncologist leaving him and Kelly alone soon enough.

‘’I can go on with the radiation if I have to – it’s just a few more weeks.’’ Matt said, his voice shaking.

‘’Oh Matt.’’ Kelly said as he caressed over his head, saw Matt’s pain, fear.

‘’I can – I just – I don’t want to die, I don’t want to leave you.’’ Matt said scared.

‘’You are going to be okay and we are going to spend many more years together, I promise.’’ Kelly said softly, taking his hand and kissing him. Holding each other close, the fear what was coming grew bigger and bigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, hope you still enjoy this story! Please let me know what you thought and hopefully till next chapter!


	16. The feeling of home

Kelly sat with Matt through the night, not being able to sleep as Matt was asleep, wiped out by the painkillers and the tiredness. Kelly couldn’t though as his mind kept wondering to what they were going to do now that Matt wasn’t reacting well to the chemo and the radiation. He knew that if the doctor could not come up with another treatment plan, this could be the end of the line for Matt.

Early in the morning a nurse came to change the dressings over the burns, Matt still asleep on his side. He was glad he was still asleep as the burns were no longer hurting him now.

Kelly went for a short walk outside, letting the conversation from last night go through his head. He knew that things were not looking up for Matt, and for the first time in all this months he was starting to feel scared about losing his husband.

Kelly had gone home to take a shower and pick up Matt’s stuff, his husband awake when he returned, sitting up a bit against the pillows and staring at the TV, but he was pretty sure that Matt wasn’t actually watching.

Matt spotted him, smiling a bit as he saw him, looking weary and tired even though he had slept for a long time.

‘’Went for a walk and a shower.’’

‘’Could’ve showered here in.’’ Matt pointed at the bathroom.

‘’It’s –‘’

‘’Don’t worry, I’d rather be home too.’’ Matt mumbled, stabbing at the jell-o in front of him.

‘’You’re going to be soon.’’ Kelly promised him, kissing him.

‘’Haven’t seen the top floor in a month.’’ Matt tried not laugh, even though it was a cynical laugh.

‘’Won’t be long before you are walking up those stairs again.’’ Kelly promised him as well, holding his hand. They sat in silence, neither of them sure what to say because neither of them knew what was coming.

It came as a relief when the oncologist came walking in to talk to them.

‘’We looked at the scans, and Matt – tumors haven’t shrunken as much as we wanted to as you did not finish the radiation therapy. We can do the surgery, but it means we have to remove a lot more tissue than we would want. We’d have to remove your whole lung, as well as surrounding tissue to be sure we removed it all.’’ The oncologist explained.

‘’When?’’ Matt asked straight away, Kelly looking shocked he had made his mind up so quickly.

‘’We would want to do it as soon as possible, probably two or three weeks.’’

‘’Are my chances better if you do it now?’’ Matt wondered, the oncologist shaking his head.

‘’No, you are in no shape for the surgery now. It is a risky surgery, and we want you to be in the best shape you can be before it. We will get you back on the supplemental nutrition, start you on antibiotics because you can’t become ill before the surgery, with the burns the risk of infection is high.’’

‘’I need to stay here?’’ Matt said bummed. ‘’All the time to the surgery?’’

‘’I am afraid so.’’

‘’And after?’’

‘’If everything goes alright you will probably be in here for another three weeks.’’

‘’Matt-‘’

‘’I just want to go home.’’ Matt said sad.

‘’Have a think about it.’’ The oncologist told him. ‘’I’ll come back tonight to the discuss some more things.’’

Kelly didn’t say anything till the oncologist left his room, still holding his hand. He wanted to say something to his husband, but there was nothing he could say to make this better. He knew that it Matt was not doing the surgery, he was going to lose him. But he also knew it was not without risk and Matt had been through so much the last few months, he might not be able to deal with the surgery on top.

‘’Kelly, I don’t have a choice. If I don’t do this, I am going to die, and I don’t want to die.’’ Matt mumbled softly.

They talked it over, although there seemed not much to talk about. Kelly also knew Matt did not have a massive choice. When his oncologist came back, Matt had already made his choice.

‘’I do need to warn you, the surgery is not without risks, and given your state the chance of complications is a lot higher.’’

‘’I still want to do it.’’ Matt said, sure now. Holding his hands, Kelly smiled at him, glad that he did not have to accept his husband having to give up the fight.

Matt was brought some lunch, but he didn’t get far past a few spoonful’s of soup.

‘’7 weeks in here. At least.’’ Matt mumbled, Kelly noticing he was getting tired already again.

‘’You – we will get through it, I can be here with you every single day.’’

‘’You should go back to work….at least till the surgery.’’ Matt mumbled, Kelly caressing his arm.

‘’We will see, you should go to sleep now.’’ Kelly didn’t want him to worry about that. It scared him as well, the surgery. But he was also not looking forward to his husband being in here for almost two months, and that was if things went right with the surgery.

‘’Can you get some more of my stuff?’’ Matt mumbled, his eyes still closed.

‘’Sure, will get everything you could possibly want or need.’’ Kelly said as he kissed him. Going home, it started to sink in he would be alone here for the upcoming weeks and the tough road they had ahead.

Kelly came walking in with the bag with plenty of clothes for Matt, as well as his own pillow and blanket and some pictures from the walls. Matt was asleep in the bed, attacked to multiple IV’s again and a feeding tube in his nose again.

‘’Want to get changed?’’ Kelly offered as Matt woke up, happy to see Kelly back, as Kelly was folding some of his clothes away.

‘’Yeah.’’ Matt said as he tried to sit up a bit more. Kelly grabbed his sweatpants and a hoodie, carefully helping him get changed. He was careful with Matt’s burned side. Soon they were sitting on the bed together, watching a movie.  Kelly had his arm around Matt.

His husband barely took up one third of the bed, Kelly worried he was taking up too much of the bed but Matt had gotten so skinny and narrow he barely needed any space.

‘’Wanted to have a party before the surgery….well not a party…get together really.’’ Matt suddenly interrupted the movie, Kelly pausing it although neither of them were really watching it.

‘’You can still do that.’’

‘’Doesn’t feel right saying goodbye in the hospital.’’ Matt admitted, Kelly looking over shocked.

‘’You want to have a goodbye party-‘’

‘’No, but just – you know – getting together once before the surgery…just in case anything goes wrong…’’

‘’You need to trust that everything will be fine.’’ Kelly told him, Matt looking concerned.

‘’I don’t have that luxury anymore, Kelly.’’ Matt said worried.

Pulling him closer against him, Kelly kissed him on his forehead, caressing his side.

‘’Should probably call my mum…’’ Matt said softly.

‘’If you want to.’’

‘’She has been here for me. Guess I wanna see her. Honestly just wanna get better so I can go home with you.’’

‘’I know everything is going to be okay, and in two months you are going to be home, finally.’’ Kelly said, holding Matt close. He was saying it partly because it was making himself feel better, but it was also that he hoped it would Matt feel a bit better.

‘’I guess home is when I am with you.’’ Matt smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally managed to get a chapter out again! Hope you liked it and hopefully till next chapter!


	17. Professionals

Matt had been in the hospital for a week. Kelly knew he was not taking it well, but glad that his husband was being so strong. He was trying his best to get in shape for the surgery, but it was not easy his body was struggling.

The burns on his side had healed over the past few days and Kelly hoped it marked him finally get stronger.

The whole firehouse had rallied together making various dishes and snacks for Matt. It proofed a tough one, as Matt wanted to eat as much as he could, but often felt sick afterwards.

Kelly parked his car a few streets away from the hospital, grabbing the bag from the car and walked towards the hospital.

‘’Took something from the firehouse for you.’’ Kelly said as he sat down on the edge of the bed and handed him the card. Opening the envelope, Matt smiled. It was a nice card of all of them and he put it on the nightstand.

After a week, the room was full with decorations everybody had gotten together. It had been hard to hear for everybody that Matt would have to stay all the way till surgery day, and then even longer to recover.

Christie and Violet had visited him a couple of times, as well as his mother. She had come up from Kansas City and when Kelly walked in, he had the quilt she had made for him over him as he was cold all the time.

It had done Matt well when he had seen Christie and his mom talk in the hallway, Nancy hugging Violet as well. Kelly had walked right in after and he had been beaming about it for hours. Kelly could only imagine what it meant for him to finally see his family come together a bit.

‘’Asked the nurse if she could set up a spare bed next week and before the surgery – really want you here the night before.’’ Matt said as Kelly was unpacking boxes from the bag.

‘’I will, I want to be here.’’

‘’You hate hospitals.’’

‘’But I love you. Ill be here either way, even if I have to sleep on the floor.’’ Kelly promised.

‘’Your own food?’’ Matt asked as Kelly opened the Tupperware boxes. Usually the nurses offered getting a plate of food for Kelly too so they could eat together, although he usually didn’t and ate what Matt didn’t want of his plate – as much as Kelly tried to persuade him, he wouldn’t eat much because he was worried of feeling sick.

‘’No, I am treating you to something special tonight.’’ Kelly promised him. Opening the Tupperware boxes Matt looked at the Mexican food.

‘’Wanted to surprise you, Cruz and his Abuela helped. Thought it might remind you of our honeymoon.’’

‘’Not too spicy?’’ Matt asked concerned. The ulcers in his mouth had gone but the flesh that had replaced it was still sore and fragile.

‘’Told them to tone it down a bit.’’ Kelly said. Matt wasn’t sure if it was a joke or serious, but he was looking forward to eating something other than the bland hospital food. Although even now he had not been eating a lot. Getting some plates from one of the nurses, he stacked the food on and put the roll out table out in front of Matt, pulling a chair to the side as well.

From his bag he got a candle as well, setting it down on the table with a loud bang, Matt laughing.

‘’I am pretty sure that is not allowed.’’ Matt pointed out.

‘’Romantic dinner for two.’’ Kelly laughed as he wanted to sit down.

‘’Can you help me sit up a bit more?’’ Matt asked, his body aching and even moving the slightest bit hurt.

Swinging the blanket back, Kelly gently put his hands on Matt’s arms and helped him sit up.

A bit worried, Kelly took a look at his body. His legs were boney and his knees were poking out. Kelly noticed the faint scar on his pale skin of his upper leg from when he had fallen in the academy, gashing open his skin on the ladder, his pants getting stuck on the ladder and Andy and Kelly had laughed at him for a full five minutes as one of the instructors had to come free him.

‘’Wouldn’t say you got the best deal out of this marriage. I mean you started out with captain Casey and you ended up with this.’’ Matt said as he looked down as his skinny legs.

‘’Can I sue you for false advertising?’’ Kelly teased him.

‘’I’ll give you the number of my lawyer.’’ Casey bantered back. ‘’Are you just going to sue me or divorce me too?’’

‘’Just the lawsuit, who else would make sure our house isn’t falling apart?’’

Tucking Matt in again, Kelly took the small lighter from his jean pocket and lit the lighter. As soon as he did though, a nurse came hurrying in.

‘’Don’t worry, we are professionals.’’

She chuckled, but shook her head then.

‘’Sorry, but no.’’

Kelly put the candle out again and they finally dug into dinner.

Matt looked at the lighter still on the tray table. It was the one he always carried with him when they had gone out and Kelly would smoke occasionally. It reminded him of happier times, although he did wonder why Kelly had dug it all the way from the drawer he usually kept his packet of cigarettes and the lighter.

He tried not to ponder on it for too long.

‘’Earth to Matt?’’ Kelly asked as he looked at Matt, his husband zoned out, deep in thought.

‘’Sorry-‘’

‘’Don’t need to apologize. I know it is all a bit much.’’ Kelly said as he caressed Matt’s upper arm, his husband giving him a small smile. He noticed Matt was stirring his fork more around in the food than he was really eating anything.

‘’Ill let you be soon, you look exhausted.’’ Kelly said as Matt was almost nodding off again.

‘’Can you stay till I am asleep?’’ Matt asked as Kelly put the food away, knowing even though he wanted to, he couldn’t force Matt to eat. He had taken a few bites plus he was still on the feeding tube, so Kelly hoped that was enough.

Matt moved aside just a bit, Kelly sitting on the edge of the bed and moving close to his husband, wrapping his arms around him. He waited for Matt to be asleep, carefully moving his arms from under and off him and climbing off the bed, tucking Matt in.

Walking out of the hospital, Kelly took the packet of cigarettes from his pocket, his hands shaking. He managed to keep his composure when he was inside, Matt always helping to make sure he was at ease, which sounded stupid because he was not even the person sick and fighting for his life.

With the surgery drawing closer and knowing damn well he could lose his husband, best friend and lover, he was more and more stressed, each hour seeming to rush by until it would inevitably be surgery day.

Lighting up one of the cigarettes, his hands were trembling as he walked to the car.

 


	18. Nightmare

Nervous Matt stood by the window, a bit unsteady, holding onto the IV pole that was providing him with the morphine and fluids he unfortunately still needed, as well as the feed that was connected to the feeding tube.

He felt alright today though, relatively speaking and he was excited for Kelly to come, especially now that he could surprise him by standing up.

He saw the old timer being parked up the street, looking as Kelly came walking up to the hospital, confused as he saw Kelly finishing up a cigarette, tossing it in the bin.

Shocked, Matt sat back down on the bed.

Kelly came walking in minutes later, Matt back on the bed, looking upset at him.

‘’hey!’’ Kelly wanted to walk towards him to kiss him, but he looked upset.

‘’I really don’t think I want to see you right now.’’ Matt said as he looked away from Kelly.

‘’Matt- what is it?’’ Kelly asked concerned as Matt had never been like this.

‘’Thought I’d surprise you being out of bed, was waiting for you by the window.’’

‘’So-‘’

‘’Saw you smoke.’’ Matt said with a scowl. ‘’Already wondered why you were carrying around the lighter a few days ago. Didn’t think you’d really start smoking with…all of this…’’

‘’Matt-‘’

‘’I have lung cancer and you are smoking?’’ Matt said hurt. Kelly wanted to sit down on the edge of his bed. He knew he had been wrong but he had been so stressed. Matt pushed him off with the faintest bit of power in his arm.

‘’I’ve just been really stressed about the surgery. I am sorry Matt-‘’

‘’Please leave.’’ Matt said faint, his voice breaking.

‘’It was just one ci-‘’

‘’Kelly, I don’t want to hear it, just leave.’’ Matt said upset. Sad, upset, Kelly turned around, leaving.

Tears welled up in his eyes. He was not sure why it upset him so much. Although he had a low emotional tolerance now anyway, he knew it was mostly because he was upset Kelly was taking poor care of his health while he was going through this and he had done nothing to deserve it.

Matt was surprised as the door opened a while later. He wanted to get mad at Kelly for still coming even though he had told him to leave, but he was surprised to see Christopher and Cindy Herrmann walk in.

‘’Hey, just came to say hi for a minute if that is okay with you, won’t be long.’’ Herrmann enquired.

‘’Come in, sit down.’’ Matt smiled, surprised to see them but actually glad they came over. It took his mind of the fight he had just had with Kelly, something he did not want to think about really.

‘’Hey, how are you feeling?’’ Cindy asked as she gently laid her hand on his shoulder before sitting down.

‘’Decent, best shape I am going to be before the surgery.’’ Matt smiled just a bit, Christopher looked concerned as the man did not seem to be in good shape.

‘’Brought you some more knitted socks and some more candy.’’ Cindy said as she handed over the selfmade thick socks for Matt.

‘’You shouldn’t have.’’ Matt smiled.

‘’She would have knitted you a whole sweater if I hadn’t stopped her.’’ Christopher laughed.

Matt really appreciated it though, his feet cold all the time.

‘’Kelly not here?’’

‘’No.’’ Matt just shrugged, not wanting to talk about it.

‘’Is he alright?’’ Christopher asked concerned.

‘’I guess so, we had a bit of a fight earlier.’’ Matt shrugged.

‘’I don’t know what happened between you two, I just want you to know that Kelly loves you with his whole heart and would give you the whole world if he could. He has been taking it hard how ill you have been. I don’t want to tell you to cut him some slack…but he is suffering.’’ Christopher said as he felt sorry for the couple being at odds with each other.

‘’He has?’’

‘’I have been cleaning your and Kelly’s house since you went inpatient again, Kelly has not been taking it well.’’ Cindy admitted.

Matt nodded just a bit, not sure what else to say. Maybe they were right and he should cut Kelly some slack. Even though he was sick, it could not be easy on his husband.

‘’Alright, take it easy. See you after the surgery.’’ Herrmann promised him. ‘’Can I give you a hug?’’

‘’Yeah.’’ Matt said, sitting up a bit.

The hug was so tight, Matt was not sure if Herrmann believed what he had just said, as it seemed more like a goodbye.

 

* * *

 

Kelly couldn’t sleep. Staring at the ceiling, he thought about Matt. All he wanted was to be with him so right before the surgery. But with the bad shape Matt was in he did not want to upset him needlessly or make the fight any worse.

He knew he had been wrong for smoking, especially with Matt having lung cancer and he knew there was no excuse. He just hoped it would be okay before the surgery. All he wanted was for his hell to be over soon and for Matt to finally get better.

The clock had just passed 2 am when his phone rung.

Surprised he saw it was Matt.

‘’Matt- I’m sorry.’’

‘’Can you please come here?’’

Quicker than he probably should have, Kelly drove to the hospital. Walking into the hospital room, Matt was crying on the bed. Sitting on the bed beside him, he pulled his husbands thin frame in his arms, caressing over his head as Kelly let him spill out all of his sorrow.

After a few minutes, Matt stopped crying, drying his tears.

‘’I had a nightmare, about the surgery. Sorry about calling you.’’

‘’I am really glad you called – I don’t want you to be mad with me.’’ Kelly said as he took Matt’s hand.

‘’I am – was – maybe am - really disappointed with you, but that shouldn’t matter now, not with what is coming up.’’ Matt said softly, hugging Kelly.

‘’I won’t do it anymore.’’ Kelly promised. ‘’Think you feel better if I sleep here every night till the surgery?’’

‘’Yeah.’’ Matt said.

With the surgery a mere three days again, Kelly was glad they were not fighting,. He knew that it was okay Matt was angry with him, he deserved that. But the last thing  he wanted was to be at odds with each other right before the surgery. He hoped everything would go well, but he knew there was a chance he would lose his husband.

Moving the small folding bed towards Matt’s bed, Matt turned on his side. His bed was a lot higher, but for a moment it finally felt like they were sharing a bed again after all these weeks. Moving closer Kelly kissed him, looking as he slowly falling asleep. Kelly laid his arm up on Matt’s bed, grabbing his hand.

Matt didn’t have another nightmare that night, Kelly’s hand firmly around his.

 


	19. Surgery

It was the night before the surgery. After Christie, Violet and Nancy Casey had left with the usual noise, quiet had come back into the room. Matt was following them with his eyes as they had left the room.

They had kept their goodbye light, but all of them knew that it could be a goodbye forever. Yesterday most of the guys from the firehouse had come by. Matt had had a decent day and instead of in his room, he had met them in one of the lounges on his floor.

Kelly had had to carry him back to his room, his body failing him nut Kelly though he looked okay after the visit. He had worried that the last visits before the surgery would be hard, as they would be possible goodbyes for Matt, but he seemed oddly okay.

‘’So what do you wanna do before the surgery?’’ Kelly asked. It was still early in the evening, but none of them seemed to know what to as the nerves were getting worse for tomorrow.

Matt seemed to wonder for a second. Although none of them said it, both of them knew everything could be different tomorrow.

‘’Kelly, we don’t need to make this night a whole thing.’’

‘’I know, but if there is anything you still wanna do…’’

Matt nodded just a bit.

‘’Beside some cuddling and spooning?’’

‘’Beside that.’’ Kelly chuckled. ‘’I mean, what is still on your bucket list?’’

‘’Vegas, but that is not really an option….being a dad… besides that, just spending time with you.’’ Matt said softly.

‘’And…’’

‘’Kel, it’s fine.’’

‘’I just wanna make you feel better before the surgery-‘’

‘’I know, I really want to take a piss standing up to be honest, maybe a shower.’’ Matt sighed, as he hadn’t been much of a state to get up the past few weeks.

‘’I think that is something that can be achieved.’’         

With the help from a nurse, Matt got rid of all the wires and tubes on his body so he could get from the bed and to the bathroom.

Helping Matt to the bathroom, he helped him get changed out his pajamas.

As nervous as he was for the surgery tomorrow, he enjoyed the time he had with Kelly now. He was gently, carefully helping him out of the pajamas and it was nice to spend these nervous hours with his husband.

He had not regretted marrying Kelly a one minute since they had tied the knot. He had been here through all his lows, and unfortunately with him falling ill right after the honeymoon, there had not been that many highs, but she still had stayed with him all this time.

‘’Need to go?’’ Kelly asked, not really sure how to approach this, but Matt shook his head.

‘’No, gonna take a shower first.’’

As Matt stood in the shower, holding the bars on the wall as he was worried to fall, his legs trembling and his body weak, he enjoyed it as Kelly was holding the shower head, letting the waters trickle over his back and he enjoyed it even more as he had been struggling with backpain after being in bed in the same position for almost a month now.

Kelly washed his hair as well, his hair growing back more and more now and Kelly loved how curly it was. It was getting more and more curly as it grew and Kelly thought it looked adorable on him.

Helping him out of the shower, he helped Matt stand up by the toilet.

‘’This is what I got married for.’’ Kelly joked.

Matt chuckled, so glad Kelly was cracking jokes. He knew he deserved one for this request and luckily it made them both laugh.

‘’If something goes wrong tomorrow I’ll die happy knowing I took my last piss myself.’’

‘’Don’t say that.’’

‘’Sorry.’’

Walking back into the room,  Kelly sat Matt down not he bed, worried he would fall. 

‘’Have not felt this good for weeks.’’ Matt admitted. Kelly smiled, he look adorable with the wet curls on top of his head and in his face. Helping him back in pajamas, Kelly sat down to he bed beside him then, Matt laying down and Kelly laid down against him, hugging him, holding him close.

‘’I don’t want it to be morning.’’ Matt admitted, crawling closer against Kelly.

Holding each other close, neither of them slept as morning was almost coming.

 

* * *

 

 

With only a few more minutes before he would be taken into surgery, Matt couldn’t keep listening anymore to Kelly rambling he was going to be fine.

‘’Kelly – I really need to you to shut up and listen to me.’’ Matt finally burst out and Kelly was quiet.

‘’I am not assuming I will die in there, but I need you to promise me that you will carry on if I don’t make it through this surgery. I want you to be happy, also with someone else…someday...if something happens’’ Matt said as he caressed his hand.

‘’Matt-‘’

‘’Just promise me.’’

‘’I can’t.’’

‘’Kelly, there is a great chance I will die in there, and I want to know you will still live on without me. I want you to be happy.’’ Matt said, tears in his eyes.

Kelly wasn’t sure what to say, just looking at his husband.

‘’Promise me?’’

‘’I promise.’’ Kelly finally said, thought it showed Matt’s character that he was still worried about his husband being happy if something happened than he was worried about himself.

‘’I love you.’’  Matt said then, sitting up and wrapping his arms around Kelly’s neck. Holding each other tight, Kelly caressed over Matt’s back, just listening to each other’s breath, scared for what was going to come.

‘’Kel – I want you to know that if something happens, I love you so much. You have to know that being with you…has been my life’s best part.’’ Matt said, his voice chocking up.

Matt’s arms well and Kelly moved back a bit, looking at his husband’s teared face.

‘’You are going to be fine…and you are the best part of my life too, so you better make sure you are going to be okay.’’ Kelly spoke slowly, kissing Matt on his forehead then.

‘’Yeah.’’ Matt smiled just a bit. He was worried, but knew that it was the only way he would ever go into remission.

All he wanted was to be a dad, together with Kelly.

He hoped that going through all of this would finally let them reach that dream.

An orderly came to take Matt to the surgery wing and Kelly walked with him, holding his hand until he was told he could no long come with him and he should head to the waiting room.

‘’I love you.’’ Kelly told Matt, sharing another kiss.

‘’I love you too, take care of yourself alright.’’ Matt said as he finally let go of Kelly’s hand, the both of them sharing another kiss.

Looking as Matt was taken for the surgery, Kelly couldn’t help but smile. It was so Matt to worry about him, while he was the one going through this all.

Torture started in the waiting room. He paced around. He had taken a book, but was not able to focus. He knew it was going to be a hours before Matt would get of surgery, but he wished that the long wait was already over. He was scared for what was going to come. All he wanted was to know Matt was alright.

During the wait, he got multiple phone calls from Matt’s family and the firehouse to check up on him. Multiple offered to come sit with him, but he didn’t want to see anybody, too nervous to even sit down calmly.

Matt had been in surgery for four hours when his doctor came into the waiting room.

Kelly was surprised, as the surgery was still meant to least at least two more hours from what they had expected.

‘’Mr. Severide, can you come with me?’’ Doctor Weller came walking his way and he followed him, worried. Since he didn’t say Matt was fine right of the bat, he was scared something was wrong.

Nervous he walked down the hallway, hoping to finally get some good news.

But he didn’t have a good feeling about it.


	20. Chapter 20

 

‘’It everything okay?’’ Kelly asked concerned as the doctor sat him down.

‘’Your husband went into cardiac arrest during the surgery. We managed to stabilize him, but we had to close him up.’’ The doctor explained.

‘’What about the tumors?’’ Kelly said concerned.

‘’We have not been able to remove as much tissue as we would like, but we sure that we removed enough to make sure there are no malignant cells left. When he is more stable, we will do a CT scan to be sure, as well as to make sure there is no damage to his heart.’’

Kelly nodded, scared. Even now the surgery seemed to have gone well, there was chance that Matt was still not okay.

Walking into the ICU room he was lead to, Matt hooked on multiple machines and had a breathing mask over his face. Carefully, Kelly took his arm, holding it close after kissing Matt on his forehead. Knowing how they had said their goodbyes tomorrow, he was just grateful to have his husband.

He couldn’t help it, starting to cry as he was so relieved he still had his husband.

 

* * *

 

Matt woke up just a few hours later, the drugs wearing off.

Kelly was glad that Matt was awake, although he didn’t have any power to do anything. Kelly sat by his side, caressing his hand and talking to him. It seemed to calm Matt down a bit. Even though he had made it through the surgery, he had a long recovery ahead of him. Kelly had not even mentioned the cardiac arrest, but knew the doctor would come talk to him when Matt was stable enough.

After two days he had been moved from the ICU to his room in oncology, mostly because they thought the peaceful environment would be better for him. The doctor had wanted to talk to him, but Matt had fallen asleep about 2 minutes in.

Every morning he helped the nurses get Matt dressed in clean boxers, pajama pants and socks. Every morning he helped them wash Matt as well. Even though he wasn’t sure if Matt would like it, it felt there was finally something he could do for his husband.

His chest was still wrapped in bandages and they were careful not to touch any of the drains.

One morning, as Kelly was reading the news on his phone, Matt squeezed his hand.

‘’Hey.’’ Kelly kissed him on his forehead. Matt’s eyes fell close again, but fluttered open again.

‘’K-‘’

‘’Don’t speak, you need to take it easy.’’ Kelly said concerned.

‘’Okay?’’ Matt mumbled softly.

‘’Yeah, you are okay.’’ Kelly smiled, kissing him on his forehead. ‘’You are recovering well.’’

‘’Good.’’ Matt mumbled, falling back asleep. Later that evening, as Kelly had stayed with him all day, Matt woke up again. Kelly had missed talking to him, but was just glad he was okay and on the mend. Especially since it had been such a close call during the surgery.

He hoped that now Matt was out of the woods.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few days, he was slowly recovering. Not only his oncologist, but also a cardiologist kept a close eye on him as well after the cardiac arrest during the surgery. Although there was no damage to his heart and the cardiologist said that it was to blame on the stress of the surgery, but there was no reason to worry further.

Ten days after the surgery marked the first day Matt could get out of his bed. Holding Kelly’s arm, he took a few labored steps around his room. Sitting down on the edge of the bed again, he held Kelly close. His heart kept pounding and he was scared something was going to happen.

‘’Worried about your heart again?’’ Kelly asked worried, Matt nodding as he was taking deep breaths, exhausted as he sat on the edge of the bed.

‘’Doctor said nothing is going to happen.’’

‘’They didn’t expect it during the surgery either.’’ Matt argued.

‘’Matt, you need to trust everything is going to be okay.’’

‘’I know but when I thought everything was going to be okay when I married you and I got sick. I might not even be in remission but if I am, I would still not feel great about it ever again.’’ Matt sighed as Kelly helped him sit back on the bed. ‘’Never gonna trust my body again.’’

Kelly was quiet, not sure what to say about that.

Luckily he didn’t have to say anything as the door opened and Christie came walking in, holding the bag of food Kelly has asked her to take. Matt was cleared to eat things from outside the hospital now and Kelly hoped getting him something he liked would help him put on some weight again.

Violet followed suit, holding even more bags.

‘’Hmmm you took something good?’’ Matt smiled tired.

‘’Spring rolls, noodles, fried rice, duck, everything you like.’’ She smiled as she put the food on the tray table.

They had dinner together, sitting around the table and Kelly was glad to see Matt try his best with the fried rice and the spring rolls. Kelly cleaned up as Matt was on the bed, too tired to move now and Christie and Violet left so Matt could rest.

‘’Sorry I am still such a lousy husband.’’ Matt sighed as he felt bad that he couldn’t even help Kelly clean up the empty plates.

Sitting down, Kelly kissed him again, sad to hear Matt doubt himself again.

‘’I love every single bit of you, Matt, from your one and a half lung, to your scars, to your beautiful eyes and your noodle hair.’’

‘’My noodle hair?’’ Matt laughed. ‘’What the hell are you on-‘’

‘’The curls kinda look like the noodles you were eating.’’ Kelly said as he helped Matt get his shirt off as Matt had dropped some food on it. The large big scar on the side of his chest was still red after the recent surgery.

‘’Damn chemo curls.’’ Matt laughed, Kelly just glad to see him laugh as well.

‘’Guess I need to cut them.’’ Matt said softly, not sure about the curls on top of his head.

‘’Don’t even think about it.’’ Kelly smiled as he thought Matt looked so adorable, kissing his husband, sure things would finally look up again.


	21. Home

Three weeks after the surgery, Kelly finally got to take Matt home. He was staying under close supervision with his surgeon, cardiologist and oncologist, but Kelly was glad they would at least get a few days peacefully at home. That was all he wanted and needed for now.

Helping Matt out of the car, Kelly held his arm as they made the short walk to their house. Kelly was a bit nervous his family or their firehouse family would be there.

They had decorated the house, but as Matt was not in great shape, they had promised to just decorate it, but not stick around.

Kelly saw him smile though when he saw the decorations they had put up but since Matt was asleep on the couch within minutes of coming home, it was only for the best they hadn’t stuck around. Covering him with the comforter from their bed,  he took his shoes off and pulled his legs onto the couch, making sure Matt was comfortable, although his husband was already deep asleep again.

Kelly was unpacking his clothes when he heard Matt was awake.

‘’Can I get you something?’’

‘’No, just might move – my back hurts.’’

‘’Want to go to bed?’’

‘’Yeah, bed sounds good.’’ Matt decided. Even the couch started to hurt him and holding Kelly’s arm, Kelly helped him to the spare bedroom that was their bedroom for now. Matt was shivering and even though it was not that cold, he grabbed the thick comforter again from the couch, helping Matt put some pillows in his back.

Kelly sitting with him for a while, Matt wanted to stay awake as he was so glad he was finally home. He had felt that his time was limited and that he had so much  he wanted to say to Kelly. But now, he was too tired to say anything. But he was grateful his husband was by his side, and he hoped he would finally get some good news soon, hoping that soon their time would not feel so limited.

Kelly was caressing over his head and holding his hand. Matt realized that as much as he wanted to say to much to Kelly, just being together meant more than a thousand words.

Kelly only let go when there was a knock on the door. A bit annoyed as he had asked people not to come by today, Kelly walked to the door, Boden and Herrmann standing there in their turnout gear.

‘’Just here to drop off some cards for Matt that were brought to the firehouse…as well as some flowers.’’ Boden explained.

Kelly wanted to take the stuff from them, but he heard Matt cough in the spare bedroom, only a few feet away.

‘’You can come in.’’ Kelly hear from the bedroom and Kelly opened the door. Boden and Herrmann slowly walked inside.

‘’Hey, how are you doing?’’ Herrmann asked they walked inside, Boden standing by the door, not wanting to overwhelm Matt.

‘’Fine.’’ Matt smiled, but Kelly could also see how tired he was. He told everybody he was fine, even though Kelly was not so sure.

‘’That is good, we need you to be fine.’’ Boden smiled, although he didn’t believe much of what the man was saying.

‘’When do you have your scans?’’ Herrmann asked, wanting to make sure he and Cindy could offer them some support.

‘’Friday.’’

‘’When do you get the results?’’

‘’Next week.’’ Matt said, feeling tired, as much as he wanted to talk.

‘’Keep us updated, let us know if there is anything we can do for you.’’ Herrmann said as he get up, knew they shouldn’t stay too long.

‘’As soon as you are able too, please drop by the firehouse some time.’’ Boden told him.

‘’Getting there.’’  Matt said softly, taking the cards from them.

‘’Will give you some time to look through those.’’ Boden said, as he also noticed how much Matt struggling. They left, Matt waving and smiling as they left, glad to finally see them again, even if it was just for a few minutes.

Kelly closed the front door, and looking back, Matt was already asleep again, the cards fallen from his hand.

Carefully he took the cards, putting them on the nightstand and covering Matt again with the comforter. Wiping the hair from his face, he kissed Matt on his cheek, his husband not even moving. He was glad Matt was seeing people, but it was so exhausting for him Kelly worried.

 

* * *

 

When Matt woke up again, Kelly was in the kitchen.

‘’What are you making?’’ Matt asked as he walked towards the kitchen, sitting down on one of the seats by the breakfast table.

‘’Some pasta, need to fatten you up.’’ Kelly said. It were not just his words or because he thought Matt looked too skinny, but because even his doctor had told him so.

‘’I guess.’’

‘’Just take a seat on the couch Matt, take it easy.’’ Kelly said concerned.

‘’I am fine, I would like to have dinner at the table tonight.’’ Matt said, stern and more angry than Kelly had heard him in these past months.

‘’Matt, sitting up is st-‘’

‘’Kelly, I want to have dinner at the table tonight like normal person – like a normal couple!’’ Matt said, exhausted by the yelling for only a few seconds.

‘’Alright, calm down, we can eat at the table.’’ Severide told him. Matt laid his head on his arms on the table and Severide wanted to walk his way, worried.

‘’What is-‘’

‘’I don’t know.’’ Matt started to sob.

‘’Hey, hey!’’ Kelly said worried as he sat down beside his husband, worried.

‘’I don’t know what is wrong with me.’’ Matt sobbed, struggling to even sit up on the chair now. ‘’I keep being so emotional, and then so angry, and then emotional again. I just want this all to stop. I want to feel normal again.’’

Holding his husbands sobbing frame, Kelly was not sure what to say.

Soon Matt was back on the couch, calmed down a bit. Kelly hated to see him cry, and with him being so emotional about everything since the surgery, he couldn’t blame his husband for having a good cry.

Handing Matt a bowl of pasta, he looked how Matt struggled to eat much of a it. He tried, and Kelly knew he had to. The doctor had warned him he had to gain weight, or he would have to go inpatient again.

Kelly worried about it a lot, he knew Matt was trying but even though he kept on eating as much as he could, which wasn’t a lot, he didn’t gain much weight.

‘’Try some more.’’ Kelly wanted to encourage him.

‘’I will throw up if I eat more.’’ Matt sighed.

‘’Maybe later.’’

‘’I know you are worried Kelly, but when I am full, I am full.’’ Matt said a she looked at the bowl, not nearly finishing half of it.

‘’Matt, you used to eat this bowl easy, usually even double. That is why I worry.’’

‘’I am just tired and full.’’

‘’I know, sorry. I will put some in the fridge for you, you can try some more later.’’ Kelly didn’t want to discourage him.

Matt nodded, Kelly taking the dishes and when he returned, he watched some tv, Matt asleep against him. Around ten, he decided to call it a night, Matt not having opened his eyes since dinner.

His arms around sleeping Matt, he listened to every breath he took. He felt so grateful for every breath his Matt was taking, and it seemed silly – but he had been so close to losing him. Very carefully, he put Matt’s arm around his neck and laid one arm on his back, the other under his knees.

Matt seemed to weight barely half of what he did when he had lifted him through the doorway on their honeymoon.

‘’Kel-‘’

‘’Shh, I’m just taking you to bed.’’

As short as Matt had been protesting, as soon he was asleep again. Kelly laid him down on their bed, carefully. Laying the blanket over him, he made sure his husband was as comfortable as possible. Leaving the door open, he laid down on the couch, being able to see Matt from where he laid. He was worried hurting Matt laying down beside him with his body still hurting and weak, but it also felt wrong being these few feet away from him.

Looking at his husband, he got up worried, sitting on the edge of the bed. Even the few feet from the bed to the couch got him worried, worried that he would still lose his Matt.

Carefully he laid down beside him


	22. Okay

 

Matt walked towards the firehouse. Making it to the driveway, he had to stop. Not only because it was hard to be back here after such a long time, but also because he was tired.

He was still so tired. Anything he did made him so tired, and all he wanted was to feel normal again. He had had the scan a few days ago and had to wait for the results until next week.

Kelly had gone back to work today for the first time. He had offered to stay at home, but Matt had told him to go. He knew it would be good for Kelly to get some normalcy in his life again. Besides that, he wouldn’t be alone. He knew Kelly had asked Christie and Violet to come by for dinner as he kept worrying.

He was going nuts inside their house, just waiting for the results of the scan.

Walking up the slight incline of the driveway, he felt exhausted by the time he opened the door to the firehouse.

Walking into the common room, most of them jumped up surprised, greeting him with excitement. Mouch even jumped up to offer Casey his spot, but Matt opted to sit at the table. He didn’t tell them, but sitting up was hard after the surgery, the scar still sore and his abdominal muscles having taken a big punch, and at the table he could lean against it.

‘’How are you feeling?’’ Cruz asked, happy to see him here again.

‘’A bit tired. But good, really good.’’ Matt admitted as Otis came to bring some water. Kelly was probably in his office, but he was glad that Kelly had not seen him yet, as he would just get all his worries again.

It was nice to take his mind of the results and how bad his body was feeling. They told him about some of the calls, and the shenanigans around the firehouse. The more Matt heard about it, the more he started to miss it.

Kelly came walking into the common room, surprised to see Matt. He waved Matt to walk with him and they walked to the hallway just outside of the common room.

‘’Hey, what are you doing here?’’ Kelly was a surprised.

‘’Thought I’d come by.’’ Matt smiled. He knew Kelly was going to be worried again, but he was glad to be here. Although he was glad to be here, he knew that he would be better off resting, but he got so tired of just being at home as well.

‘’You okay?’’ Kelly asked concerned.

‘’I am okay, really.’’ Matt assured Kelly as his husband looked concerned.

‘’You look tired.’’

‘’I am, but I feel okay enough to not be in bed for a few hours.’’  Matt smiled, also happy to see his husband in a place that was not the hospital at home.

‘’you look tired, you should be resting up.’’

‘’I am fine Kel.’’ Matt started to get more annoyed.

‘’There is no shame in laying down in my office.’’

Matt shook his head, not wanting to go lay down. The worst part was that he realized that he couldn’t lay down in his own office, as it was not his anymore.

He had been off work for almost eight months, so he knew somebody had taken over for him.

‘’No, I am fine.’’ Matt told him. He didn’t feel fine, but the last thing he wanted was to admit it.

Matt-‘’

‘’Kelly, I told you I am fine! Just leave me alone if all you are going to do is bother me.’’ Matt pulled his arm away. A bit hurt, Kelly turned around, walking to the offices down the hallway as Matt sat down on a bench. His sides were throbbing now where he had had the surgery, and his legs had started to shake. Looking up, he spotted Herrmann, sighing annoyed as the man had probably heard them.

‘’It is okay not to be okay.’’ Herrmann told him, sitting down beside him.

Matt looked at Christopher, nodding just a bit. He wasn’t sure what to say, knew that he could talk to Herrmann, but he couldn’t find the right words to say.

‘’You have been so strong, I can’t blame you for whatever you are feeling now. I just know that you and Kelly will get through this.’’

Matt nodded, still not able to find the right words to say. He felt so tired, and coming here started to feel like a mistake. Seeing Kelly so happy at the job and back in his place, he felt guilty about keeping Kelly from the job.

It had not been his own choice, but he was still feeling guilty about it.

‘’How are you really feeling?’’ Herrmann asked.

‘’Really shit.’’ Matt finally admitted, sighing. He felt bad for even saying it. He felt guilty as he knew he had to be grateful to even be sitting here, but it was all hitting him these last few days.

‘’My heart, lungs and body are in shambles. Keep worrying about my heart, and the pain isn’t helping either. Still cant eat much even if I want to, constantly worried about having to go back inpatient because of my weight. Kelly keeps worrying and it is all he does at this point…my libido is so low I am worried about it and I don’t know if it has even been worth it all since I might not even be in remission.’’ Matt finally rambled, tears burning in his eyes.

‘’I hear you. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it all better, just know I am here for you.’’ Herrmann told him, Casey nodding appreciative he could be honest with Herrmann. At least he didn’t get another it was going to be okay, since nobody knew, but everybody kept telling him.

‘’Want me to get Kelly?’’ Hermann asked concerned.

‘’No, I should probably just go home.’’ Matt sighed, his hand pressed in his side. Herrmann helped him back onto his feet. He wanted to persuade him to see Kelly, but also know this was something between the couple.

‘’Want me to call your sister?’’

‘’She is probably still at work, an uber will do.’’ Casey said as Herrmann held his arm, helping the young man down the hall as if their ages were reversed.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Matt was still in bed when Kelly came home. Their bed was still in the spare bedroom. Matt had asked to get it back in their own room, but Kelly had refused. He was in no shape to walk up the stairs, as much as he wanted to.

Besides that, Kelly was also too worried about the scan. He just hoped that it would be good news, because he was sure Matt wouldn’t take any less.

Getting showered, Matt was awake as he came back into the bedroom, although he was still in bed.

‘’Hey, where did you go yesterday?’’ Kelly asked concerned.

‘’Just started to feel crap.’’ Matt mumbled as Kelly sat down on the bed.

‘’How are you feeling today?’’

‘’Still crap.’’ Matt admitted. Tears welled up his eyes. Kelly laid his hand against his arm, hoping Matt would finally open up to him. He knew that since the surgery, there had been a lot on Matt’s mind, but he wasn’t talking about it.

‘’Talk to me Matt.’’ Kelly said as he was worried there was a lot more going on than Matt let on.

‘’Nothing, just worried about the scan – tired – my body is a wreck.’’ Matt mumbled. Kelly knew he was still holding back, but didn’t want to keep prodding him as he was worried to upset Matt again.

‘’I know, I am just glad you came by the firehouse yesterday, it was really nice to see you.’’ Kelly wanted to prod him some more, hope to finally get through to him, but knew that prodding him would only made it worse. Instead he decided to just be positive, hoping that would make Matt feel a little bit better.

‘’Yeah, it was nice to be there.’’ Matt finally showed a bit of a smile. ‘’dinner with Violet and Christie was nice too.’’

‘’Good…Matt, I know I worry about you a lot, and sorry if that upsets you. I just really love you, and I am worried to lose you.’’

‘’I know…sorry about yesterday.’’ Matt said. He did feel sorry about lashing out at Kelly at the firehouse. Although nobody there seemed to have heard, the last thing he wanted was for the whole firehouse to think they had a falling out.

‘’I shouldn’t have bothered you so much.’’ Kelly admitted.

‘’It is fair, it have been scary months.’’ Matt admitted. ‘’You were right to be worried too…I don’t think I am as okay as I want to be.’’

‘’You are going to be oka-‘’

‘’Stop saying that, you don’t know that.’’ Matt said with tears in his eyes. ‘’I need you to stop saying everything is going to be okay and level with me.’’

‘’If I am not positive about this Matt, I am going to lose my mind too.’’ Kelly admitted now, his eyes filling with tears and Matt looked a bit surprised.

‘’I know damn well you might not be okay, don’t you think I know that?! I worry every damn minute of every day.’’ Kelly finally admitted, choking up, ‘’I didn’t even sleep last night. All I worried about was how I was going to find you this morning. I got this thought about your heart and well – Matt, if I am not positive about this, I think I might lose it.’’

‘’I guess we are both not as okay as we want to be.’’ Matt said as he caressed Kelly’s arm, both of them breaking down now. Wrapping their arms around each other, neither of them were able to stop their tears as they laid in each other’s arms. But maybe that was exactly what they needed.


End file.
